Hi SP,

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Your achievements are not small ones. They are building blocks on which to set a strong foundation for bigger achievements in the future.

It sounds like you're really feeling abandoned right now. I would like to help challenge that idea, if I may. Try putting your hands out in front of you, palms flat, and push away. Then, wrap your arms around yourself like you're giving yourself a hug. There is a difference between pushing something away, and drawing closer to yourself. It sounds like your support team members are all drawing into themselves at the moment, because they have their own responsibilities to themselves and other people too, but that action is not the same as pushing you away.

This will pass. The one thing the hospital can do is keep you safe. If you become dangerous to yourself, please go.

Please forgive me for this if observations are unwanted; if so, just ignore this post.

I noticed that you need support and feel it's hard for you to get it. You reach out and people do not respond because they are busy taking care of themselves first. Then, when your fiance calls and wants to offer you the support you need and want by checking on you, something changes. Instead of accepting that support in the moment, you decline to speak with him, thus triggering panic among your family and other supporters, who suddenly are afraid for you and begin beating down the door to get to you to make sure you're okay. Then you are not able to accept the concern for you that they are showing, despite wanting it very much, because then it's overwhelming.

Is it possible this is a pattern for you? That you get to a point where you feel like no one is paying attention or cares, and so when they do start showing you attention because you have gone off the grid, you become upset with them and aren't up to talking?

This is meant as a very gentle question: perhaps things could be a little easier if you were able to accept support when people become concerned for you, instead of shutting them out by refusing to speak with them? I do understand that the situation while driving is not the best for long talks. Perhaps next time you could set up a time to return a checkin call so people won't worry and therefore freak you and themselves out, and you get that 5-10 minutes you need later to talk for support.

It's not perfect, it's not the best solution, but sometimes we have to work around and with others' needs to fulfill our own. Maybe next time someone calls, worried and trying to get in touch, pick up the call and let them check in. They do that because they love you. Let yourself feel their care even if it's not coming in exactly the way or time you could really use it.

Much love to you and please try to be good to yourself. It's clear to me that you are deeply loved by many.