Quote:
Originally Posted by mian síoraí
You are so hard on yourself. Your own expectations of yourself might be what's trapping you because no matter what you do, you don't meet the expectations you place on yourself. Your therapist, although is trying to help, reinforces that by placing expectations on you on top of what you already have. That makes 'double' expectations.
It's the harsh superego vs. the pleasure seeking id. You're id is over-controlled. Sorry, i don't have the answers but can really relate to your posts, especially about feeling trapped and the abandonment fears. I've also had sui feelings about being trapped, it's so distressing, i can empathize and relate.
I see this pattern in most all of your posts and always wonder why you don't see this within yourself because i know you are very bright.
Maybe try to not work so hard, see what happens. Do the opposite of everything you think you 'should' do or how you think you 'should' feel. That might lead to new insights...
I hope it passes soon.
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I do know I'm hard in myself. I'm a perfectionist and a people pleaser. If I do anything, I have to give it 100% effort. I don't usually attempt anything long-term because I tire out too quickly, give up, and then feel like a failure. My T is constantly telling me I don't have to be "an A student". But anything less isn't good enough. I don't know why I'm like this. Throughout my life people either had high expectations of me or none at all. Maybe it's the abandonment? I know I try to do everything as perfectly as I can so people will want to stay with me. I almost never ask for anything except for what I need. I always ask, never demand. I try to create an illusion that everything is okay, so I don't burden anyone. Until my T called my fiance today, he didn't even know how bad I was. When I first walked into session today, even my T thought I looked like I was doing well.
I was "trained" to keep everything stuffed down. My parents wanted to paint a perfect portrait of my family: great kids, each owned their own business, happy, healthy... What would the parents of the children at my mom's preschool think if they found out she had a daughter with mental health issues?! My parents actually put me on phen-fen at age 14 so I would stay skinny. They moved to another city when their friends found out I had mental health problems. They put me into modeling classes to teach me etiquette and beauty. I got an A- in one of my math classes and my dad yelled at me because it wasn't an A+. At church, I was never doing enough. Towards the end, I was going to Sunday morning and night service, Monday bible class, Wednesday youth group, and Friday bible study. But even that wasn't enough. I wasn't a believer because I still suffered from depression. I even agreed to an exorcism!
I can't shake the idea that people leave me because of me, so I kept trying to somehow make people want to stay. I have been so loved by many only to have that loved be yanked away from me. I desperately want to be loved and accepted. It consumes my every action. Even the goal of "getting better" is to hopefully to be able to learn how to not make people leave.
I am smart and I am aware, but that doesn't make me a genius. I actually consider it a curse. It's assumed I'm smart enough to figure all of this out, so why can't I just use all my knowledge? Knowing and doing are two different things. I know I should only eat X amount of carbs per meal, but the desire for the chocolate cake is still there. I know I should walk 10mins after every meal, but just taking a shower wears me out. So I know what I "should" be doing which just frustrates me even more because I'm not or can't.
But you're right. I'm trapping myself. My enemy has always been me. My war is with myself. That is so difficult!!! If either side wins, I still lose! The war is btwn my logic and emotions. Listening to both and balancing them is the key to my progress. It's like balancing on a log perched way above a canyon. One wrong move and you can die. So it's easier to just stop or, worst case, jump off.
I do also think you're right that I need to give myself a break. I think I'm going to make that my goal this week...to just allow myself to be. If I feel like sleeping, sleep. If I feel like crying, cry. If I feel like cleaning the whole house, then I'll clean. And if I run out of energy part way through, then I run out of energy. I think I need to stop analyzing and comparing. I think I need to stop worrying about progress, people, and time and just be aware that I am alive and the basic joys of life.
Well, it's hopeful thinking anyways.