Quote:
Originally Posted by Skywalking
Hi SP,
I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Your achievements are not small ones. They are building blocks on which to set a strong foundation for bigger achievements in the future.
It sounds like you're really feeling abandoned right now. I would like to help challenge that idea, if I may. Try putting your hands out in front of you, palms flat, and push away. Then, wrap your arms around yourself like you're giving yourself a hug. There is a difference between pushing something away, and drawing closer to yourself. It sounds like your support team members are all drawing into themselves at the moment, because they have their own responsibilities to themselves and other people too, but that action is not the same as pushing you away.
This will pass. The one thing the hospital can do is keep you safe. If you become dangerous to yourself, please go. 
Please forgive me for this if observations are unwanted; if so, just ignore this post. 
I noticed that you need support and feel it's hard for you to get it. You reach out and people do not respond because they are busy taking care of themselves first. Then, when your fiance calls and wants to offer you the support you need and want by checking on you, something changes. Instead of accepting that support in the moment, you decline to speak with him, thus triggering panic among your family and other supporters, who suddenly are afraid for you and begin beating down the door to get to you to make sure you're okay. Then you are not able to accept the concern for you that they are showing, despite wanting it very much, because then it's overwhelming.
Is it possible this is a pattern for you? That you get to a point where you feel like no one is paying attention or cares, and so when they do start showing you attention because you have gone off the grid, you become upset with them and aren't up to talking?
This is meant as a very gentle question: perhaps things could be a little easier if you were able to accept support when people become concerned for you, instead of shutting them out by refusing to speak with them? I do understand that the situation while driving is not the best for long talks. Perhaps next time you could set up a time to return a checkin call so people won't worry and therefore freak you and themselves out, and you get that 5-10 minutes you need later to talk for support.
It's not perfect, it's not the best solution, but sometimes we have to work around and with others' needs to fulfill our own. Maybe next time someone calls, worried and trying to get in touch, pick up the call and let them check in. They do that because they love you. Let yourself feel their care even if it's not coming in exactly the way or time you could really use it.
Much love to you and please try to be good to yourself. It's clear to me that you are deeply loved by many. |
Yes, it's a pattern: black and white, all or nothing, push and pull. And it's difficult for me to get out of it. I try to not reach out to anyone because I'm afraid a "no" will trigger this cycle. But my T is trying to get me to reach out more because I can't do all of this on my own. I do need support. So I ask. I ask for the bare minimum and I'm always open to compromising. And being told "no" by one person will hurt, but I can survive it. Life happens, I do understand. I understand why everyone who has told me "no" recently has said it. Logically, I get that it's not personal. But I still feel abandoned. It wasn't one person who said "no", it was basically 4 people. I asked for the bare minimum. So all the support that was once in place isn't there.
As far as my fiance: that's complicated. For one, I didn't cause the situation today. The first time he called I did pick up the phone, I did tell him my T was worried because I'm extremely depressed. But I told him I didn't want to talk about it. There are many reasons why I didn't want to talk about it:
1. When I'm really emotional, he tends to make things worse by overreacting or getting angry. He often tries to "solve" my problems or starts insulting whoever I'm having a problem with. None of those things are helpful.
2. Today was the second time I drove to my T by myself. I only started driving again a year ago. I stopped driving 8 years ago due to a traumatic car accident. So talking about emotions and driving is not safe.
3. It's a 40min drive and again, not safe to be driving and hysterical.
4. I was in a state where I needed Ativan, but can't take that and drive.
5. I have a right to not want to talk about things even if someone else wants to talk about it. I have a right to take time to process it on my own or even try to calm myself down.
So I did the right thing by not picking up the other 9 phone calls from him. My T did wind up calling me and agreed I did the right thing. My job is to be honest about how I'm doing and to take care of myself. My job is not to console my fiance because he's freaking out. If I didn't pick up the phone the first time, okay, that would be wrong of me. But I did honestly tell him what was going on and clearly stated I was driving and didn't want to talk about it.
And for me, the types of support is not on a linear line, but in categories. So my family is a cluster, people here on PC is a cluster, if I had friends that would be a cluster, and women role models/professionals is a cluster. Each cluster provides a different type of support. There are also different generalized boundaries. Within each cluster, the different people provide me with different levels of support. So with my family clusters, my fiance and then my mom provide me with the most support while my older sister provides me with an itty-bitty amount. The problem right now is that all the professional women have withdrawn their support. So I do have support from my family and you all here on PC. I am extremely grateful. I have actually been receiving more support from both PC and my family during this difficult time and it has really really been helpful. But it doesn't change the fact that I am missing and yearning for this other type of emotional support. Does that make any sense?
And just to clarify, the 5-10mins of time I wanted specifically from my T and group facilitator. I didn't ever demand it at a certain time. With the facilitator, I asked for it on Wed or Thurs because that's the only time she works there. For my T, I asked fir a check-in "sometime this week". I didn't specify a date, time, or even method (i.e. email or call). I left it completely open. I also don't challenge them on their answers. I don't try to manipulate them or beg them into changing their minds. I accept their answer whether it's the one I hoped for or not.
But I am trying to not shut everyone out. I post here as a way to gain more supoort. I am open on here and try to take in all encouragement and suggestions. And when my fiance came home, I did allow him to comfort me even though I didn't really want it at the time (but it helped me). And when my mom called to check up on me and offered to take me out to dinner, I went even though I didn't even want to get out of bed.
And one example that I do value the support from here: nervous puppy responded to my previous thread saying that if I give up on myself then I'm just adding to the list of all the people who have abandoned me. That really sunk deep into me. And it's things like that, all the responses I have gotten on this thread and other posts, that helps me keep trying. It sustains me till I either am able to balance out my emotions or get the type of support I'm missing.