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Originally Posted by hankster
You promise you wont get mad if i call transference on that last paragraph? There is only one person imo we have that bond with, thats parent-child. Everyone else is replaceable. Transferable. I just hear you saying, how or why should i go on if even my mother didnt love me - even tho you try to grab the responsibility for loving, im not buying it, sorry. Well, my personal rationale is, she is dumb. I am smarter. And now that i am here, i should make the best of it.
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I don't think transference is a dirty word
And I think you are jolly well right - a part of the problem is she reactivated an ancient old wound, and then buggered off. That's the therapisty bit that I am angry about, and take a very dim view of. I have finally made my peace with and forgive my biological mother, and could really be doing with a supportive therapeutic ally as it's quite a big step. I don't want to go backwards.
But there was also a dual relationship there, and the loss of her non-therapist self that hurts in a completely different way.
So it is twofold. It's not ****ing fair.
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Originally Posted by feralkittymom
IG, I haven't had this experience with a T. But when another loving relationship ended because it also was fused with pain, I found the way through it was first the revisiting thoughts and actions and rewriting history in my head. But finally, peace came when I could accept and embrace the good feelings--really take them into my heart as genuine and grieve their loss. Trying to discredit the good feelings was a way to defend against and protect me from the hurt of losing them, but it left me feeling worse. I think because there could be no resolution that way. Embracing the good feelings allowed me to feel the loss, which was painful, but necessary in order to let it go. The benefit is that the good feelings remain--tempered by the sadness that they couldn't last--but they do remain, and that's easier to live with.  |
I don't think I am discrediting the good feelings at all, really. I do believe she loved me to the best of her ability for a time - and then faked it a bit for a while out of cowardice, because she's a flawed human. I don't think she is bad or evil, but she is thoughtless, and was certainly sloppy in her professional approach with me, which unfortunately led to lots of pain.
Do you think I'm being too hard on her? Is that what you mean by rewriting history? That's not my intention, I'm trying to take a bird's eye view.
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Originally Posted by Ididitmyway
FKM makes a good point about embracing the good feelings about the person who hurt you and to acknowledge the good part of that relationship. Of course, it wasn't all about hurt. It almost never is. Clearly, there was a part of the relationship with your ex-T that was giving you something important, something you needed badly. No reason to deny that. Denying that would only keep you stuck. Of course, it's painful to think of good moments now, but that's how pain gets released little by little. It doesn't get released if it's not even acknowledged and the grieving can't start.
But it looks from your post that you are embracing the good part of the relationship right now and accepting the pain that comes with it..It's good.
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Yes, I can see all the good bits. She did give me something I needed, but I'm not sure it was hers to give in the first place. It was like offering crack to an addict - gives relief and makes them feel amazing for a short while, but then they are in a pickle.