When I returned from residential treatment, I felt so good and I was so happy to be back with both my dogs, my border collie and service dog Astro, and my great dane and at home service dog Blue.

Unfortunately, even though I did well for like 3 months, my depression and PTSD and agoraphobia started to get worse and worse, to the point where I couldn't take care of them both. It was so bad that I had to make the decision to move across the country to be nearer to family so they could be closer for support.

In the end,I had to find a new home for my baby Blue. I found him a wonderful new home. A lovely family with two young girls, big home, big yard, active family, and another dog that he immediately took to playing with.

I am very happy for him. But the grief I feel at this loss is like a shroud wrapped so tightly around my body that I can't breathe. Blue was attached at my hip. He did so many things to mitigate my disabilities, that I didn't even realize he had trained himself to do until he was gone and was trying to do things for myself.

My heart feels like it's surrounded by tightly wrapped rubber bands that will barely allow it to expand and contract.

What's worse...in my therapy I had done a lot of visualizations of happy memories and places for grounding techniques, and of course, those memories all involved Blue.

I honestly feel like I'm learning to live life all over again. It's hard for me to remember how I got a long before Blue was in my life. But then again, before Blue, my conditions weren't this bad.

I've heard all the typical, time will heal, ********, etc. What I really need is for someone to validate what a heartbreaking loss this has been for me. I am so dismayed by the idea that when I die, he won't be there, because he'll be with his new family. And that is devastating, it's like a the after effects of a nuclear bomb, where nothing will grow again.

I've contemplated Si and even, sadly, suicide (but not seriously) just to stop this torturous pain. I just wish someone could understand and validate that I'm not stupid or silly for feeling so strongly about this.

Thank you all,

Seesaw