Well the first step underground is recognizing these challenges you have. You have developed some very deep seeded ways of "self protecting" and this is a result of your history. It's definitely a very complex puzzle and while it "is" complex, it is not something you can't learn how to "slowly" change, like I said, you are no dummy.

What I don't like about the diagnoses of NPD, is that in a case like yours, it is not a very sympathetic label, infact it can add insult to injury which isn't really being fair to someone like you that genuinely struggles and self protects so much. Your entire goal has not really been about being a bad person either, it was all about learning how to be a survivor instead. It is also about being "respected" and how you have learned to protect your boundaries. Well, given your history, it is understandable that you would develop these ways of self protecting, it isn't like you ever had anyone to help you or nurture you. You were abandoned, that is what your history is saying, you have done what you could in spite of that challenge. There is a core challenge of "why should I help or care about anyone, no one did it for me, everyone just abandoned me instead." There can be some deep anger from that challenge. The need for perfection is just part of that whole defense mechanism because if you don't make mistakes, then you avoid being hurt somehow. However, truth is, we all make mistakes because as human beings perfection is impossible just as perfection is not found anywhere in any of nature.

Yes, learning to let go of ways one is so accustom "is hard work". However, it is hard work to keep up the ways one self protects too, that is why you have so much stress/anxiety. In a way people with the challenge you have are always in "fight/flight" mode, not much different then what I struggle with in my challenge with PTSD.

What we have in common Underground is a "history of trauma". That challenged our ability to develop healthy Narcissism which is necessary to human survival. I am strong willed in some "good ways", but I have been targeted by others who have developed an unhealthy Narcissim. I don't know if these individuals are what would be considered meeting the complete criteria of a NPD diagnoses, but, what I have come to recognize is that these individuals have many of the traits that are a part of the criteria. I cannot say these individuals don't have empathy because I have seen them step up to the plate and be genuinely empathetic, however, I have also seen them behave in toxic ways too.

When you say that you need to do things better than anyone else, well, that is exactly what my husband does too. I honestly think this is directly connected to the ADHD/Learning disability in him part.

I am thinking that it is not a good idea to affix a label of NPD with this kind of challenge. I can see where that can cause more harm than good. It isn't that the person challenged isn't trying. I am a person who believes to the depths of me that when someone is "trying" very hard, that effort needs to be respected and that person deserves to be helped. That is what I had been doing and working very hard on when what I had developed to accomplish that was destroyed, destroyed so badly that I broke and that was not something my husband could handle, still can't handle, something the average person can't handle or understand though either.

Anyway, I don't think that it is fair to say that "all" your ways of self protecting are bad. I think that you are a very smart individual and that you are very capable of learning the parts lacking where you can slowly gain the skills to improve yourself and at the same time make gains on reducing the anxieties that you really don't have to have. This is something a lot of people learn about gradually, and the reason most who struggle with what is called NPD, tend to soften from as they get older too. Life itself is very humbling Underground, and the truth is that whether we like it or not it tends to humble even those who seem to be the strongest or most relsiliant at fighting back.

I spent time trying to understand Narcissism with my therapist. As I mentioned, we do have to have some narcissism to thrive and some people who develop very strong beliefs have what is considered Narcissistic Traits, and the majority of the individuals that are in leadership roles do have Narcissistic Traits, so it is not always something "bad". When it comes to what is deemed a "disorder" it means that an individual has "too much" and doesn't see the other person's POV or challenges or right to have their own opinions and tastes, but instead should meet the standards set by the what the NPD person considers right or important. In other words, for example, if a person with NPD goes and visits someone in their home and the person with NPD doesn't particularly like the home, it is not a good home and worthless or is not the right home to have, when it may just be a home that the other person likes and feels is good enough. Or, if someone is wearing a pair of shoes that is not designer, therefore that other person should not be respected as "good enough". Anyone that I have met that has been like that tends to be a slave to the illusion of perfection, which "is" an illusion because there is no such thing as "perfect/perfection", instead, it is ever changing and what is seemingling perfect one day is not the next day or the day after etc.