My T. is always telling me to say everything because it's a piece of the puzzle that she needs. I have maternal transference with my T. as most of you know. I had very intense feelings for her last summer. While they are still there, they are not as intense and I can manage between sessions much easier. I now know WHY I have all these feelings!

When she asked me months ago to state my needs, I felt like a little girl and told her (tell me you care, you will always be there for me, etc). We figured out I was around 7 years old when I attached to my 1st grade teacher. Just recently my T. said that she believes I experienced some sort of trauma in my childhood but I couldn't remember any. It kind of disturbed me that she thought that - I wondered what happened to me? I also have a hard time telling her any of my feelings convinced that she will judge me, belittle me, leave me, etc. even though I KNOW she won't.

So, I asked my brother who is a lot older than me and a psychologist to be honest and let me know about any trauma I experienced - especially around that age. He did and it explains EVERYTHING. He said my mom didn't want to be hands on with me - changing diapers, feeding, cuddling. She left that up to others as much as she can. He also remembers me having a breakdown and my parents wouldn't soothe me - I had lots of fear and anxiety. He suggested to them that I needed to see a therapist and they never took me. Basically, I WAS emotionally neglected.

This realization is HUGE. It totally explains all my crazy feelings towards my T., my reactions to her, EVERYTHING. I can't wait to share this with her. Now that I understand WHY, I feel like I can really talk to her more freely! This is a huge breakthrough. While I burst into tears reading my brother's email, I feel a little bit of a weight lifted.