I'm just curious, without trying to add any triggers to this, if other people find themselves having panic/PTSD reactions when doing certain things, completely non therapy related? I shake with anxiety after I take a shower, EVERY DAY. But, I'm used to it.... however, I just admitted to my T about seeing my chiropractor. I cancel more appointments with him than I actually go to (I just canceled today). I was physically abused by a former step dad, those were miserable years. We were trained to drop our drawers, then lay across his lap and wait for it. I have chronic pain, neck, shoulders, back, and I'm now being worked on with severe arthritis in my back...and what the chiro says is an old "compression fracture" I think he called it, in my spine, L1-L2. Of course, he's asked many questions as to how I could have received such an injury, and I just shrugged my shoulders. I told him I think I'd remember if I got hurt that badly.

Well, this was a lifetime ago, but I admitted to my T yesterday that I do have an idea, the only severe trauma I received was a baseball bat to my back. For the first (and last) time, I talked back to him, and he got angry. That would make sense, given where the healed fracture is. She asked if I was going to tell him HELL NO I said...and she talked to me about it. First commended me on how brave I was for going at all. Even though I cancel a couple appointments before I actually go. That's been my MO.... cancel 2, then go, cancel 2, then go...etc.

I can't STAND when people crack their knuckles, so you can imagine how I feel about being cracked by the chiro. I hate it. I cringe, I'm hard to crack because I'm anticipating it, etc. I told my T that laying down on his table reminds me so much of laying down across that lap. I did so, under both circumstances, knowing pain was soon to follow. So I told her the chiro (I like the guy very much) is very triggering to me, and she agreed, validated my feelings, and commended me for going at all. Basically said she didn't think she'd be able to do that. That made me feel good, because I feel so guilty canceling on him.....I don't cancel my T appts, or physical therapy. Just that.

I'm wondering if anyone else has phobias about doing things like this. I also WILL NOT go get a massage, no matter how much I'd love one. I never have, and not interested now. So I have my PT for that...I know and trust her, and can basically get a massage while having insurance pay for it. A friend of mine bought me a gift certificate a couple years ago for one. She mentioned it before she did it, and I said no, I wouldn't do it. She gave it to me anyway. I gave it away. Another friend gave me a gift certificate for a pedicure. I gave that away too. Wouldn't do it. My PT, my Dr, and my T....they can all touch me no problem. Honestly, I think seeing my PT helped to desensitize me to touch. I've been seeing her for four years, and was nervous at first, especially when she was behind me, doing things to my back or neck. I'm sure she could tell, I just jumped every time. Her hands are always cold, so I blamed it on that. After awhile, I got comfortable with her and don't have that issue anymore. My T, for some reason, I was comfortable with from day one. I never avoided her touch, and she is a T who hugs at the end of every session, and will even hold me when I cry. I have no problem with that. So I know I'm getting better.

But the whole chiro thing... it's just too weird. I swear I have flashbacks. My T said I don't have to disclose anything, but she thought it would be a good idea to let him know. I told her I didn't want to air my dirty laundry...but in the end, I decided to. I sent him an Email. He was very understanding about it. I told him about the triggering, as well as the possibility that the old injury in my back was caused by someone swinging for a "home run," on me, on purpose.

Are there things on other peoples' lives that trigger you? I feel so stupid about it.... this was 25-30 years ago....but surely still affects me.