Quote:
Originally Posted by Middlemarcher
On the question of self-worth. I'm not religious myself, but I still believe that there's something fundamentally right about the idea that we are all children of God. That we are worth something simply because we exist. Every one of us. We are living, breathing, thinking, feeling beings. It's not something I'm prepared to defend on a philosophical, rational basis. But I like it.
I like to think that I am worth something because I try to put out positive energy into the world. To make positive contributions. That whether or not someone else needs, accepts, desires this is independent from my positive intentions. In fact, if someone doesn't want any help from me, the best, most positive thing to do would be to respect his or her wishes. I find this to be the best way for me to feel good about myself based on what I do for others, without too closely tying it to other people's reactions and needs.
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I have issues with my own religious/spiritual beliefs
It might sound weird, but what I was taught when I was a teenager is conflicting with what I believe currently. I'm not at the point where I can sort through that mess. For me, believing in God is the only easy part. The rest of it is completely a jumble of contradicting ideas.
I'm perfectly okay with not everyone wanting my help or even to be a part of my life. I'm completely okay when acquaintances walk in and out of my life. But if I open up to someone, there is an understanding that the relationship is more than superficial.
When I was at the crisis house last year, I developed a connection with one of the counselors. I talked to this woman maybe 4 hours total? I asked her if we could keep in touch and she said she would have to ask her supervisor. I guess the answer was no because I didn't hear back from her. But the fact that she was willing, but also open that it might not be possible, that makes a difference. I miss this counselor still, but I do not feel abandoned or rejected by her. There have been people in my life who had to leave and I have not felt abandoned by them: my ex-T, best friend from jr. high, etc. The reason is that the boundaries of the relationship never changed. The expectations never changed.
The problem I deal with now is that the boundaries and/or expectations have changed with 3 out of the 4 people. I'm actually good with boundaries about 90% of the time. I rarely test them or challenge them. I have only pushed a boundary with my T once, but I have accidentally found 3 or 4 her boundaries. One makes no sense to me, but I still respect it. When people change the boundaries, they change the dynamic of the relationship. I can easily accept strict boundaries upfront, but not when they change and especially not over me asking for very little of them.
The group facilitator was supposed to provide me with a little extra support. My T asked her to, I asked her to, she said she would be honored to...yes, "honored". The expectation was a short check-in and nit even every week. Two weeks ago, she was supposed to check-in with me, but couldn't because a client who was in a difficult situation was taking his anger out on her. I was hurt, but understood. Then my T tells me to ask her for support last week because of how much I've been struggling and SI'ing, and all of a sudden it's a "no", "can't", "boundary"... The facilitator tells me to see my T, and my T tells me to fake being happy and use my coping skills! Can any of you who have attachment issues honestly say that this wouldn't hurt you? Am I really way off emotionally?
The professionals tell me I need more support and to ask, and when I do I'm told they can't. That's why I ask in my original post, is 5-10mins really too much to hope for? When I'm a client? When those expectations and boundaries were already agreed upon?
Maybe it's the culmination of everything: all 4 professionals, depression, sugars, and hormones, but it is what it is and I'm hurting. Maybe I'm not literally being abandoned, but I feel like I have been. How do I switch my perception and emotions w/o that support?