Something I think about...please don't judge, just being honest.

I think about going through with it, to end all the pain. Then I think about how I will affect the people I love. When I think about everyone crying, I want to reach out to them, comfort them, and also be comforted. I want them to show me that level of care when I'm alive. Then that leads me to question my motives? Are they selfish? Is it a way to manipulate people into caring about me? That awful thought usually convinces me to delay my plans. I do not want to manipulate people. But I also don't want to be in pain.

The reason for my response is because you say you want your T to care, you don't know how to get help, and you don't want to be hospitalized. If you do kill yourself, you will never know if your T cared. And if you are serious and don't talk to your T and don't go to the hospital, then why does your T caring matter?

I'm not judging. Honest. I'm in the same boat. I want to be cared about, but don't want to suffer anymore. I want help, but I don't want to lose what little I do have. Part of me is serious about following through, another part desperately wants to hold onto hope. I have trapped myself. But after all the analyzing, I realize I do want to live, I just don't want to live this way anymore. So I do my best to push through the pain. I am honest about my thoughts with my T, but I am constantly reassuring her I'm safe even though don't tell her that I can't guarantee that. I walk a thin line btwn coping and danger. I have to. I know what hospitalization will do to me and my family.

I don't know. I kind of lost track of where I was going. But I just want you to know I relate