((((Armadillo Roll))))

Just wanted to say you are not alone. Even though I have DID I also often feel outside of myself and times of derealization. I am often afraid this life is not real and I am just dreaming what I always dreamed/wanted so much as a child and will awaken still back there in time. Nothing seems real today, especially during rough times or when there is an anniversary close or here.

I sometimes get afraid when someone I feel is safe leaves, were they real or were they part of the dream that will never return. I still at times, though hard to admit, find myself asking if someone is really real or there, afraid to blink or move or they will disappear. Sitting among what seems to be safe people sometimes feels unreal too as though I am imagining them and wondering if they are real or my mind wishing again.

This was especially true when I was in High School, somehow wishing time would stop so that those safe around me would not leave and disappear and I would not have to go back to a place I wanted so much to escape from. So much so that even today at times I still feel that way and wonder if someone is really there or not. It is hard to explain, but it is real to me and a real question I find myself silently asking at times.

Derealization is hard. There are times when what I am sitting on seems to disappear and I can no longer feel what is beneath me. I cannot connect it to being real or to today. I feel I am floating sometimes and just there, above myself, watching and nothing else is any longer present. It is a terrible feeling when you ask yourself is this real and feel as though it is not and feeling nothing beneath you that seemed to just be there----gone and not real.

I too have felt outside myself as though I am floating, and nothing seems as it was just minutes or so before. That is the best way I can describe it. It happens especially when something within is triggered and fear comes, sometimes known sometimes not known except by someone within. It causes you to feel unreal and everything around you feels unreal too. And yes, I ask myself those same type of questions.

And grounding is hard, especially when you feel you're a million miles away from even your own faint thoughts in a fog that seems to be only surrounding and enveloping you alone. Maybe I am alone in that, and maybe that makes no sense but it is the best way I can describe it. But I understand what you are asking or at least to the best of what I know happens to me.

I know it is not the same, but just know you are not alone. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts.

dps