I have just recently found out that I am pregnant.

Yes, I am excited. But, I'm also terrified because of the havoc pregnancy is already wreaking on my fragile emotional state.

As a woman diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I am prone to extremely volatile emotions as well as intense fears of abandonment. Add pregnancy hormones, and, you have a recipe for disaster. Borderline amplified. I find myself cycling through emotions faster than a NASCAR driver laps the the track during the qualifying round. The Borderline in me says that there's no way my husband will put up with these emotions, being a victim of the multiple explosive episodes guaranteed to happen daily. He'll leave, and I won't blame him. On top of all of that, I am concerned about the affect these strong negative emotions will have on the developing baby.

The smallest falter will set me off into full rage, being with a Borderline means walking on eggshells, being with a pregnant Borderline means those eggshells are replaced with broken glass coated with sulphuric acid and lit on fire, maybe laced with a few land mines just to keep it interesting, and you are forced to walk that barefoot. Good luck.

I do not intend to be this way, to have so little control over my emotions, and I guess that's something my husband doesn't understand. I get angry over some trivial matter, and I lash out at him. Sometimes, he just gets me back, making the situation, in its entirety, much worse. I absolutely hate myself for behaving like this (not like I didn't hate myself before, it's just amplified now). I spend entirely too much time either pissed off, or sobbing.

I wish I had someone I could talk to who understands what I am going through. Someone who won't accuse me of making it up or dismiss me as being selfish. I don't really have friends, and my husband, though Borderline himself will most certainly not understand, and will most likely only get fed up with me. He tells me to just stop feeling whatever negative emotion I am feeling. I tell him, it's not a light switch, I can't just turn it off.

Pregnancy is supposed to be beautiful, I am beginning to think that mine will be nothing more than nine months of pure hell. I want the baby, yes, I just don't want to feel like this for the next nine months. I say nothing to those around me about how I feel, because either they won't care, or they will tell me I am selfish for feeling this way.

I can feel the sadness building up in my chest, almost like a black hole, swallowing any chance I have at happiness. I want nothing more than the satisfaction of dragging a razor across my skin. I've already given up all of my other vices; alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs. I feel like a few cuts would be harmless in comparison to what I could be doing. I doubt my husband would share the same opinion.

On top of everything else I am feeling, I also feel extremely undesirable. I feel like any level of attractiveness I had before is well on its way to being gone now. I'm only going to get fat, have stretch marks, and darkened nipples for the rest of my *******ed life. For a person diagnosed (and recovered) from Anorexia Nervosa, that's a punishment worse than almost any other. It doesn't help that my husband barely kisses me anymore, and we haven't even come close to having sex in weeks.