Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry to hear you are suffering. My heart is sad for all you are going through.

I understand the feeling of wanting to die, but I also find that there is a stronger feeling deep inside to want to live. It isn't easy to find but it is there. The story that deeply moved me is that of a man who was severely depressed and decide he would jump off the bridge. The second he jumped he knew he had made the biggest mistake of his life. He ended up in the water with multiple fractures. He would have drowned without the help of a sealion that kept swimming under him and keeping him afloat and a passerby that phoned the coast guard. Here is the whole story. Suicide-Proofing The Golden Gate Bridge | Here & Now

You are not alone. There are many caring and compassionate people here. Feel free to private message me or any community liason by left clicking on their name underlined in blue to the left of the post and selecting Send a private message to .....[their name]