I'll rise this thread from the ashes so I don't bring down the other thread "What do you like about BP?"

As I was reading that thread it occurred to me that all the things people like about BP I either do not experience (massive euphoria) or intensely dislike. As I said, I don't really experience euphoria, at least not the kind that so many describe and I have witnessed myself (I'm not the only one in my family with BP). I do know the feeling in a limited way. When I impulsively spend money on something I don't need and will have a hard time paying for. I remember when I bought a Gibson Les Paul (guitar). I was so stoked. I felt like a rock god. Problem was, I can't play worth a damn and that guitar cost me $1600. Euphoria is expensive.

Speaking of money, impulsive spending has just about put me into bankruptcy numerous times. So, no fun there. I always buy stuff that I don't need because of some obsession I have at the time. For example: I have a Trek mountain bike that is worth more money than my first (or second) car. I got it into my head that I was gonna go be a mountain biker.........I'm 47, I smoke a pack of cigarettes a day and the most strenuous thing I've don in 15 years is shift gears.

Creativity? Sure, I get all kinds of ideas into my head, everything from designing tiny houses to full on mansions. Furniture, decks, you name it, I have a drafting program and I'll design it. But designing isn't half as fun as building is it? So off I go to spend more money buying material to build a project no one needs or wants. Problem is, I end up with so many projects that none ever get finished and then my particular form of mania dries up and I've got 10 projects that I'm neither interested in nor want anymore. Sigh!

Speaking of my particular form of mania, I do not get happy. Oh no, that would be nice. I run the gamut from mildly irritated to outright rage. I feel like I'm crap, the world is crap and everyone around me is crap. No one can do anything correctly and they can't do it fast enough for me. I'm a grumpy, irritable *** to everyone around me. Just the guy ya wanna spend the weekend with, Huh?

Racing thoughts. All my life my mind races a million miles an hour. I've had insomnia so long I almost don't know what to do with myself now that the meds put me to sleep. I think that the slightly stoned, loopy and spacy feeling I have some of the time is a small price to pay for the relative peace in between my ears. At least I can follow a train of thought to its conclusion without getting derailed by some triviality.

Delusions of grandeur: Hoo boy I wish I had a redo button for my life. "nuff said.

And finally....depression. This is where I spend the majority of my life. I could deal with all the rest if I could just get rid of this. I go for months at a time not wanting to leave a dark room. I don't want anyone around, I don't wanna talk I just want it to stop. Or me to stop. I usually don't care which.

I can think of nothing about BP that I like. It seems to bring out the worst of my personality. It has caused upheavals and disasters in my life since I was a teen. I destroyed my marriage and damaged many other relationships. And I never knew why it all kept happening. I always thought I just had a "forceful" personality, no I was just an a-hole., I was convinced I was always right, nothing was wrong with me...its the rest of the world thats screwed up. I was insufferable.

End of rant.