So, I'm a little frustrated and not sure how to resolve this...

I am in the recovery stage for my PTSD, which is great, but it doesn't mean I'm cured or that I don't still have some lingering weirdness. My relationship with my husband has been great lately. We are expecting our first child in August and we're excited. We get along well (though the bickering happens... What can you do?). We are open with each other and I feel like, for the first time, he really understands me. He's become my most vocal supporter for recovery and it has genuinely helped me continue on this bumpy road to recovery.

The problem is that I can't perform sexually. Clearly, I have at least a few times as evidenced by the baby bump, but it wasn't easy. I get extremely uncomfortable and anxious. It wasn't always like this though. I started having trouble around when we started fighting a lot a few years ago. When we reconciled, that sex drive/trust thing just didn't rebound. My husband doesn't give me a hard time about it, but I can't help but be very frustrated by it. We have talked and talked and talked, but something internally isn't willing to trust anyone.

It's not that I want sex with other people, I don't. If anything, I'm much more repulsed by sex than I have ever been and sex used to be a big part of who I am. I haven't watched porn or masturbated in years. These used to be things I did on a daily basis. It's not like I gradually fell out of the habit, it's that I one day didn't do it and then I never picked it back up. When I look or read anything pornographic, I feel repulsed, even a bit embarrassed, which just feels wrong to me. Even when I start feeling any stimulation, I start to feel repulsed and extremely uncomfortable... Even when I'm ALONE.

I absolutely hate this. My last orgasm was when I was friggin jogging like a year ago. And that wasn't happy fun times, it was a horribly embarrassing experience to me (though again, I was ALONE... No one was even around to witness it). I hate being like this and I'm not sure what to do about it. I would like to be able to peform sexually and it would be awfully nice if I even enjoyed some of it.