I have a hard time gauging if I am shutting T out or being independent.

For me a reaction like this would be probably be protective walls and an attempt at distancing. I LOATHE the idea of any part of me being vulnerable or able to have my feelings hurt, particularly by some paid worker. I mean, really, right? I am way more in control and independent than that. I have my act together, I get the reality of the situation. I would never have feelings that made that little sense, feelings that I'd never want to have. Instead I'd decide the cancellation wasn't a big deal to me.

Eventually I'd realize I was ruminating about how little my T meant to me, just to solidify my position of "power". I'd probably even catch myself on PC, making lots of comments about how little he meant to me. Eventually I'd grudgingly admit the possibility of BS behind all of the posturing. Then I'd be mad about THAT for a while, because I LIKE not wanting contact with anyone. That is is how I wish to be. I do not wish for this attachment crap. Why can't it work that way? Why do I have to be a human and have human feelings? It's all just so unfair. I want to be an island. If I ignore feelings that I do not want, why must they skulk around unwelcome in the background? I got SO SKILLED at pretending they weren't there. Why would I want to delve into the whole picture in therapy? I must be insane.