The last few weeks have been really hard. Yesterday, after I got home from group that my counselor invited me to that he runs, I finally felt calm, collected, and in the present. I put something away in the bathroom ready to sit down and work on the things he talked about in the group. My roommate introduced me to one of his friends. I was too focused and had no interest.

She looks at me, gets excited, "Oh my god, you're so cute, awweeee, your so short," and jumps in the air. I had no time to process it and I dislike others treating me like a child and how short/tall I am. She walks over and grabs me, then hugs me, as if I've known her for years, and it was a tight/firm hug. I lost it. I got triggered.

"Unwanted hug! Unwanted hug!" I snapped. I walked forward and I blacked out. I remember I was shouting but everything went black.

I called my friend and explained what happened, she's never seen me act like that and get so upset. She told me to go swimming. So I did. It didn't help. Before I swimming I yelled at my roommate and I made the girl cry. I don't remember anything after that. I blacked out.

I called the police for them to take me to the hospital. I had a moment of wanting to end everything. The police came and took me to the hospital where the nurse told me if I get upset or feel unsafe to tell someone. I waited, really upset. I got triggered again by someone standing in front of me. I asked if someone could sit with me, that I felt uncomfortable and unsafe. She basically laughed at me and told me to sit down and wait my turn. I cried, sat down.

After awhile, I couldn't handle it, I was too distressed, I called almost all my contacts and sent friends messages, seeking support. I never do this. I got really upset and my friend told me to go back up and tell them. I stood there shaking. They dismissed me again, I even asked if I can talk to them in private. I swore at the nurse.

Security came, and at that point I was yelling, screaming, crying, I was distressed. They were going to escort me out of the hospital. So, I left. I left and called 911, I had no idea what to do, I was in a lot of emotional pain and I got rejected for asking for help and support.

I called my friend to ask if she can pick me up, so she got her flatmate to pick me up. Security came out and told me that the police don't want me to call 911 ever again. I thought they were going to arrest me.

I stayed with my friend for the night and went home in the morning.

People have told me if I feel unsafe or in danger to myself, to get help. That is what I did. I did that and no one cares they dismissed me like I am some ghost with no feelings whatsoever.

I am home, still distressed and very uncomfortable. I wanted the hospital to sedate me and I dislike medication. I knew what I needed, I needed them to sedate me because I was just not myself. I never yell or scream like that, and I rarely cry in public or act like that ever.

They knew I had PTSD because I told them. I got triggered and that is what brought me to the hospital. I don't want any help anymore, why should I go through that again? I tried, I asked for help. I asked if I can talk to someone without a glass barrier between myself and the nurse, something private. I called the advocacy office of the hospital and left a message. I'm explaining what happened and I refuse to receive any medical treatment, I am terrified. I am even terrified to see my counselor (he would never ignore me like that, he would help) but what the hospital didn't do and did do, it set me off. I don't trust anymore.

When I returned back my roommate told me I haven't been myself and was shocked that I acted out like the way I did. I threatened his friend, and I screamed and swore at her. I have no memory of saying those things. I made her go into a panic attack, twice. Have no memory of it. I don't rememeber anything after she hugged me.

I'll remain silent with my pain.

I am so lost. I don't know what to do.