I'm in a lot of emotional pain today. The loneliness is what hurts the most. At the risk of sounding 'whiny', I feel completely alone. I have no friends. I am not close with anyone in my family anymore. I live with my parents, but I'm even isolated from them, not like they want a closer relationship with me anyway - they're perfectly glad to keep interactions at shallow surface-level.

All day, every day, I stay in my room with my cat. I have to be on the internet all the time to have even some semblance of connection with the outside world. I hate being so dependent on technology. But if I even shut the laptop down I start to feel more and more alone. It's even physically painful. To give perspective, it feels like being the only person floating on a cold, dead star through space.

I feel like I'll never belong, I'll never find my 'kind'. I don't go out of the house because there's nowhere to go. No places where I could meet anyone 'weird' like me. I know what most people my age are like in this town, and it'll take a miracle to find one that won't automatically write me off as a fat, ugly loser, which is what I'm known for being. It's just so painful... I can't even describe the level of pain. On a scale of 1-10 it is at least a 12.



All humans need to feel loved, or at least accepted. We need a sense of belonging. So why is it that some people just belong without hardly trying, while others are made too 'weird' or 'different' to relate with anyone on a deeper level? All I want is that deeper connection. A close, affectionate relationship - romantic or not. If I had that kind of connection with just one person IRL, I wouldn't have this ever-aching hole in my chest...