Today in therapy.. my T asked after a session full of me taking up for my mom, if I resented her for not being ther and not protecting me. Did she know? If she did sorta know, maybe she had doubts? Did she feel threatened? Will answering any of these questions help me at all? Theres no way to know for sure. Reason I wouldnt be mad are: She didnt really know, couldnt know for certain, wasnt emotionally capable of helping. I'm not supposed to blame her or be mad at her.

Reasons to be mad are: How could you even slightly think your child might be hurt, and not take action? Why woulddnt you at least ask? I even had a dr tell my mom I had been abused.. No one will ever hold her responsible! She made me feel dirty and bad, then drew away, when she had clues. She watched my soul shrivel up over time and used it to make me more obedient and dependent on her approval. There were times she too made me feel so dirty.

Yet still..my feelings are so ambivalent.
:/