I'm feeling particularly "borderline" today. I'd initially thought this belonged in the relationship forum but, given that it's so colored by my borderline tendencies, I decided that it does in fact belong here.

I've been doing really well. I've been working hard on not taking things so personally, silently talking myself down from certain ledges when feeling anxious in interpersonal situations, not always saying exactly what's on my mind (just because it feels like I need to get things off my chest or else) and etc. I realize that some of the things I feel aren't reality; in fact, they are very far removed from reality, and so I ride the feeling out until it passes by. I've been learning to discern what is worth speaking up about and what isn't. I'm not perfect but I've come a long way since my hospitalization two and a half years ago.

I am not great with dating relationships, never have been, which is okay since men don't really give me the time of day anyway. I've had two serious relationships in my adult life, the last one being in 2009. I've dated a little since then, but only one or two dates with each guy before they fizzled out. I've gotten used to telling myself that I'm not interested in dating, and gotten used to not paying attention to men. So when this guy entered my sights a few months ago (he cuts my hair--yes, he's straight), I dismissed it. There was no reason to pay attention: I feel like he is out of my league, and I didn't really get a vibe that he was interested until mayyyyybe this last time, when in conversation we realized that we had a few commonalities, namely one big thing. I'll try to spare you most of the details of "I did this and he did this and what does it mean?" I will say that he is a musician, he gave me the webpage of his album last time I was at the salon, and it has a link to his Instagram (like they do). Last night, I finally decided "Hey, I'll follow him. Why not?" Within an hour, he commented "Looking adorable!" on a pic of mine which mentioned my hair looked good because of good products and a good stylist (he IS my stylist) but he didn't follow back. He has over a hundred fifty followers and follows over a hundred twenty people so I assume that, even with our commonalities and what I thought was chemistry, he's not interested. Men are usually pretty direct, from what I understand, and I'm getting the sense that a pretty clear boundary line is being drawn, here.

I feel crushed. This shouldn't matter too much, but it does. I feel like I knew this was coming all along, because it always happens this way--I misunderstand friendly conversation so I feel drawn to and interested in someone who is wonderful, smart, attractive and etc, then they act polite back but give very clear impression that they aren't interested. Because they never are interested, and I don't know why. I told my best friend that I was so angry at myself for having any feelings for this guy at all, because I knew it would end this way. She said, "There is no harm in being his friend, at least." No, there absolutely isn't. But they rarely want to be friends. It's like I have a brand, something across my head which reads, "Ugly, not cool, mentally ill, stay away." And it can't be desperation or clinginess or even any borderline vibes or any sort of thing like that this time--I've been pretty darn cool with this guy. We've clicked. And in the past several years, I've been careful not to step on or over boundaries or rush into anything so that I don't come off as clingy. I reserve my worries and lamenting for my friends, behind the scenes. With this guy, I have proceeded like a normal, friendly person interested in a person, not a romance.

I say I feel borderline right now because I feel shattered. And then I realize, if this is how I feel just because some guy didn't follow me back on IG (do I really know the reason? Maybe he's just holding back--even if he were remotely interested, I'm his customer, for heaven's sake!) how would I feel if we went on a few dates and he said he wasn't interested? This is a man who I cannot behave badly toward (he, like me, grew up with a mentally ill mother), and I cannot mistreat. So is it fair to even want to date him, knowing how I can be sometimes? If I care at all, and I do, shouldn't I just stay away?

I am currently just typing what's coming to mind so this is probably gonna be a book at this point. So I guess I'll stop here. Thanks in advance for reading my train-of-thought post.