So frustrated at myself tonight.

I cancelled a date with a beautiful man, for the second weekend in a row He is handsome, with the chiselled body of a Greek god (and omg his arms!) and from the little I know of him so far seems like a lovely, kind human being. Plus he kisses really well

But I'm scared, and hesitant, and keep thinking it's pointless to start seeing him, in case I get really keen and we get intensely close - and then he decides he doesn't like me anyway.

If even a trained therapist couldn't stomach me, and ended up recoiling in disgust...well then what chance does this poor ***** have?

I was walking home today, and reflecting that actually my life is pretty great right now, in terms of exciting plans and future prospects, and good company from friends, have properly mended the relationship with my brother, and my mum and I are getting along so much better now I'm not seeing old therapist. I have a really stressful hospital appointment tomorrow and am coping with that. Even when I have csa flashbacks - I'm coping alright. I can see a lovely, vibrant future for myself.

But I don't have the guts to even consider loving new people, in case I get burnt again.

I really, really resent old therapist for that. It's not four months ago that she was holding my hand beside me during this same medical procedure, emoting such great love, and I'm not saying it was fake, but...how can you flip emotions on and off like that. How can people be so, so fickle?