She Emailed to check in today. I brought it up. Here was her reply: (well, one of them)

I'm not sitting there watching you cry. Really. I know that physical touch is comforting to you, and that is fine as well. I am trying to balance encouraging you to feel capable of caring for yourself with helping you feel cared for. An uneasy business at best. Vulnerable is ugly and weak feeling. That's kind of the definition. But feeling that way doesn't make you that. It's just how you feel, and the fact that you were hurt so many times when you felt that way isn't doing us any favors. Things change all the time -- relationships flex and flux. You haven't done anything wrong, shared too much or any such thing. In fact, it is important that you keep trying to share more. As much as you possibly can every time. I know you go through hell every time. I am there with you, and I'm not. That's the reality of it. But I'm not going anywhere, and I accept you.

And this was my reply:
I care for myself every day, all day long, the best way I know how. I have had to do it all my life, with little comfort, little reassurance, nothing. The hardest work I do is coming in there and trying to open myself up. You have helped me a great deal, in making me feel safe and cared about. And not being repulsed by touching me. I would be.

This is not an easy process for me, and I'm caring for myself as much as I can just by coming. I never thought I'd be there still, over 9 months later. I didn't have that plan.... but your care, your comfort, brings me in...because I know I can talk about things, feel the feelings, and feel comfort from it.

I guess the timing is off...I admitted things that I thought would "change" things, and then they changed. I noticed. I know you don't need to sit by me and provide reassurance, in fact, the first time I meekly asked, it was one need I vocalized, and I was surprised you did. I was more surprised that I was able to ask for it. But, you gotta do what you think is right. You know what you're doing, I don't know this whole process. And if you find that won't help me in the long run, so be it. I don't want you to be that way simply because I've asked. If you don't feel right, or feel I'm better of getting out of that on my own, well, you know best. I have to trust that.

But that whole inner child thing you're trying to get me to embrace....I think SHE needs it. Not me. Although there have been so many times I wanted nothing more than a shoulder to cry on. But, I've had that experience now, and can't expect to always have that. It's fine. Nothing good lasts forever....we all know that. I just think getting encouragement to cry, and to talk, are more important to focus on now, than encouragement to self soothe and care for myself. Other things will come together eventually. But you have had a lot of experience in this, so I'll have to trust your judgment.