Sorry in advance for overposting. I'm feeling all off-kilter today. I mainly just want to feel like I'm connecting with others. Funny, normally I'm a fairly antisocial person. I really do like being on my own and doing my own thing. Except those times when I begin to feel lonely and disconnected, and then no one is ever around, even just to chat on the phone with.

I am scared that I'm sliding back into old mindsets and behaviors, back to before I was hospitalized two and a half years ago. I know that there is a reasonable explanation for it--I am exhausted and stressed. I get, on average, 5-6 hours of sleep a night, I am constantly studying, attending class, or working. The few friends I do have, I rarely see. So the things that are bringing me down (like the issue with the guy I posted about earlier as well as certain other things) may be things I've magnified in my head--cognitive distortions. In fact, I know they are. But that doesn't mean I am in a place where I can rationalize with myself very well. I still feel that, because none of my friends are available and my best friend never finished our text convo this afternoon (she is notorious for dropping convos and not returning texts for days, if ever) people don't really like me and I'm not valuable to them. I feel that the guy I posted about is just "making nice," and that he actually finds me irritating at best, repulsive at worst. I feel that I may not make it to graduation. And above it all, the very root of it, I feel alone. And I feel that I will always be alone. I am so, so sad to be alone, to have been "passed over" in the family, husband, and children lottery. To know that it will probably never be in the cards for me. My mind has gone to some dark places the last two weeks. I won't elaborate, I'll just say that I'm safe...but scared.

I am planning on getting back in to see a T. I don't have one, and haven't for at least a year now, but I think I need to have that touchpoint in my life. I don't have the greatest insurance while in school so I'm only approved for 20 visits, and there aren't a lot of T's to choose from. But I suppose it's a start, hey?