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…no matter how hard I try. This is driving me to severe anxiety and making my depression much worse.
Background if you haven’t read my other posts: My sex drive has disappeared, and I have no idea why. The sexual experience for me now ranges from just uncomfortable to downright painful. I never seem to enjoy myself. I do not orgasm, and even when he tried with over 2 hours of foreplay one night, hubby can’t get me off either. The only way I can seem to cum is with my favorite vibrator, and even then it’s just an “eh” orgasm, nothing I actually enjoy.
This is so frustrating! I want things to be like they used to be. For our first several years together, I loved sex. I was ready to go at the drop of a hat (any hat.) Hubby could get me off without even touching me sometimes, we were that connected and bonded.
I’m not on any depression meds that might affect my libido. My birth control pill may be to blame. It’ll be interesting to test that theory week after next when I start a new brand. I have gone to the doc, gotten a full pap and even had blood work done, but they can’t find any physical thing wrong with me that could be causing this problem.
I’ve been trying to keep the lines of communication open with hubby. We have made some positive changes based on our talks. For example, we’ve devised a better system for doing the housework. Now, it’s not always just on me to do everything, he is actually helping out a lot. This makes my attitude much better, and it makes me happier to come home after working all day to see the dishes done, floor swept, dinner already made, etc. Much less work for me to have to do, so I then have more quality time to spend with hubby.
I wish he would let me try to schedule sex sometimes, but oddly enough he’s against it. He says it ‘kills the spontaneity and takes all the fun of out it.’ It would be easier for me if I knew when to expect it, maybe I could actually get excited about it ahead of time, anticipate, look forward to it even. Also, I work full time, 40 hours a week. This leaves limited time during the day/evening when I am home and free to do things. Without some sort of schedule, it’s very hard to ensure that everything that needs to get done (housework, laundry, cooking, maybe a little time to myself to read or have a bubble bath, etc) actually gets done. On the days when we do have sex, it seems to take precedence over everything, and NOTHING else gets done. I want to prioritize sex, not just make it another chore – but that seems to be how hubby views having any kind of schedule about it. This is frustrating for me, because without some sort of schedule or plan to the day, nothing gets done (sex or otherwise.)
I think part of my problem is simply being lonely. Besides hubby, I don’t have many people to talk to. My best friend lives in another state, and all my other friends are at least 1.5 hrs away by car. Now that we’ve got a new car, I can actually drive to go see people, so I’m hoping this will help with the loneliness and isolation I’ve been feeling. (Now the problem is just to schedule play dates with other people, not easily done when everyone is either broke or juggling kids.)
The only way hubby and I can seem to have “successful” sex (I say “successful” in quotes because it’s good for him, but not for me) is if I get myself off with the vibrator before we even get started. This helps me to get wet, so then sex doesn’t hurt so much.
But everything about having to do that feels wrong to me. 1. I don’t enjoy it, even though I do sort of orgasm, it’s very short lived and not anything at all worth celebrating. (nothing like how I used to feel when I’d orgasm.) 2. It just seems so rude and inconsiderate to ask me to do that every time. It makes me resentful. It’s hardly loving to ask your spouse to go ‘lube up and bend over’ so you can use them. While this is not exactly what is happening, it’s how it feels to me. 3. I feel terribly awkward the whole time. We have a pretty small apartment, so privacy is not really a thing. It feels weird to go off and masturbate on my own just so I can handle sex. I feel so self conscious and embarrassed the whole time. (FYI it’s an even worse head trip when I try to masturbate with him in the room.)
Since his birthday is coming up soon, last night I pulled out all the stops. I got myself worked up ahead of time (as much as I could anyway), put on stockings, sexy shoes, and a corset, and let my hair down. I tried to do a sexy dance, moving my hips and body to the music we had playing. Difficult to do in high heels, but I tried! Basically I just played sexy, I felt like an actor who was pretending pretty much the whole time.
Apparently it worked. Hubby told me today how much he enjoyed himself last night, and how it made him feel special (which is what I was going for.) I know he tried to make sure I enjoyed myself too, at one point he even dove down on me and ate me out with relish (pun intended!) but it still didn’t get me to orgasm. (In fact, I’ve never had an orgasm from oral sex – it just feels too weird to me, not enjoyable, and I spend the whole time freaking out about how I look from that angle, or that I taste/smell weird.)
I hate having to pretend, to play sexy, to act like I’m having a good time when I’m not. I’d love to ask him to just take a night to focus on me - maybe just no pressure loving touches, slowly building up my arousal to the peak, letting me get off with no anxiety about then immediately having to have sex (read: penetration.) I haven’t asked him to do this for two reasons. 1. It’s almost his birthday, and I don’t want to be selfish. 2. He was just recently complaining that it feels (for him) like all he ever does is try to make me happy, get me in the mood, get me off, and the focus is never on him.
This pretending all the time is tearing me up inside though. I just want things to be better! I feel like I’m trying so hard, but it’s not making much of a difference. I don’t want to make him feel inadequate, or like he’s doing something wrong, or that it’s his fault that I’m not enjoying myself or having orgasms anymore. (I’m not sure it’s anyone’s “fault”, but he seems to blame himself.)
I just need some help and/or support right now. I’m at my wits end, and so very sick of crying about this.
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