Sorry for a long post...

I've posted various times about my T. This my first extensive immersion in therapy. Processing abuse from decades ago, how it affects me now. I see a T who is brilliant, well trained, experienced, published. Sometimes she's been helpful with good insights. But Freudian and rather chilly in her manner.

For a year we've had periodic ruptures and repairs. She seemed negatively counter-transferred. Maybe a bit fearful after I admitted ET. At one point I suspected her clinical supervision was contributing to ruptures. (Thanks, whoever alluded to this in a recent post. Supervision can cause T-to-C problems.) Then again she was going to the doctor regularly. Preoccupied with health maybe.

Then two remarkable things happened in one week. First she disclosed (appropriately) about something in her life. It was astonishing, touching, and made her so much more human.

Second I completed a screening with an accomplished specialist in my problem. Was thinking maybe to start therapy with her. What a horrible conversation. Something for a comedy skit. I wouldn't "touch" her with a 10 foot pole.

Uncertain now what I'll do long term. I'm inclined to stick it out with my current T a while longer. See how relationship changes. It seems bound to -- for better, for worse. I just wish she'd been a little bit more "real" before now. It has taken so much money and hours and tears to get to this point.

It took repeated insistance about tools I needed. It took my stated intention to work towards termination. Stating my unwillingness to wallow in the psychodynamic crap forever.

My advice to my year-ago self would be: Act as a smart consumer. Insist on forging a partnership. Be an actor, not an object. State and revisit needs and expectations over time. Allow those to change without recrimination or regret from either party.

Unsure really what I'm needing from this post. Maybe tell me that this is not "crazy." That the path to a good therapeutic alliance can be long and rocky...due to things coming from T and C. This entire experience has been so very strange.