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Old Mar 07, 2015, 01:42 PM
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Perna Perna is offline
Pandita-in-training
 
Member Since: Sep 2006
Location: Maryland
Posts: 27,289
I think the only one we can do anything with or about is us. There are two things here, thinking: "another crappy day in a crappy life" and, expressing it.

We think what we think, we don't really have a lot of control there, at least not immediate control. If we feel bad we're probably going to think a lot of negative thoughts; the two -- thought and feeling are kind of entwined there in our heads. But, we can learn to and practice thinking before we speak express ourselves, do anything; looking at the bigger picture and seeing if we can work with what we're thinking to do the reframing you mention.

It is all right and natural to want other people's support, especially those close to us. But there are better or worse ways to get what we want? An example from my life:

I was about 20 and living at university but close enough to come home many weekends and live there during the summer, working at the same company my father did. I went into the kitchen and asked my stepmother, "What's for dinner?" Her response was, "If you were in here helping, you'd know!". My therapist and I worked on that one interaction, my therapist harping on it until I wanted to scream, and then I suddenly understood. My therapist maintained that my stepmother and I were "missing" each other with our communications. I was "greeting" her and felt pushed away and humiliated and my stepmother only heard and was hurt that I was thinking about my own stomach/desires and did not see that she was alone in the kitchen slaving away for the family and no one noticed or cared to offer to help.

What would you do differently if you could do the interaction over again? How better could you tell your wife that you were hurting and wanted some TLC?

If I could go back to 1970 and have my interaction back, I'd walk into the kitchen quietly, kiss my stepmother on the cheek and look around and see what I could help with (like she taught me). I'd start washing dishes/cleaning up behind her, or setting the table and/or ask, "Is there anything you especially want help with here? I'd look at my stepmother more carefully (with more "care") and see if she looked harried or angry or like she was enjoying herself instead of coming into the middle of the situation like a bumbling puppy. I am often so intent on what I am doing that I completely forget to take into consideration that other people are doing what they are doing and we are not yet "joined" in our actions? I "bump into" other people instead of "merging" with them? I don't acknowledge them and what they are doing; for all you know, your wife had a horrible time at the grocery store. I don't often do any, "I see you and am aware of you and will not run into you" behavior. Even, "Hi, Mom, do you want any help? What's for dinner?" would have been better.

When the shoe is on the other foot, when the other person appears to express concern, "she asked why. . ." then we have to be as clear as we can or we risk just sharing our pain instead of asking for comfort and understanding? Do you want other people to feel as badly as you feel or do you want to feel better? Responding, "another crappy day in a crappy life" doesn't do anything for you or the other person; it doesn't help or explain, it just craps on everyone.

If it were said to me I would be hurt (that the person did not share what was going on in their life with me but effectively just closed me out) and I, being part of that life, would feel crappy and ineffectual; I'm no good because not only will you not share your actual experiences and frustrations with me ("it was a particularly stressful day with a lot of people needing to be pleased at work and dogs needing to be walked and fed,etc.") but you don't expect me to be of any comfort or cheer to you, I'm just another piece of crap in your crappy life, "leave me alone to rummage through your grocery bags for food because personal interaction with you ain't as good as a fistful of cookies".

When all else fails, as much as it can hurt, look at the other person's reaction and see what it tells you about you? Did her reaction surprise you? You said she "understands" that it's not about her so there must be something else in what you said that you don't understand? When we don't get a reaction we want or are expecting, that is a great time to start a dialog and ask questions. "I'm sorry, it sounds like you're angry, can you tell me why?" "I'm sorry, I was just looking for a little commiseration; I did not mean to upset you too. I hope you didn't think I was saying our life together is crappy, work was just really bad."

Reframing is a great skill to not only learn but to practice so one gets good at it. It doesn't come naturally.
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Thanks for this!
moooo2u, unaluna