Ok. I saw my therapist not too long ago. I'm glad he sees my situation and he sent me the right contacts to help me be free from my overly compulsive narcassistic spending mother and her ****ing ********.

And I told him relationships are pure hell. So much I don't want to have one to date anyone. I've become intolerable of anything that may seem like someone plays with my emotions. I'm very mean when I have to be to girls.

I was told at work not to be, but I'm so stressed when girls push me around like my mom does or think i can be manipulated for their benefit. I lose my cool easy if someone only wants to harm me "gently". It's gotten so bad, I self harm and starve just to feel, I'm not perfect to anyone. Not one person approached me without needing something. Friends girls and guys say they wish they had my hair or looks, but I hate em. They don't work like my friends think it should.

Tbh, id rather be lusted for and just in the moment than some connection where it hurts the whole time I'm around the girl. I'm always insecure, but certain hurt so bad. It makes me angry when something that should be good for someone ends up me enraged. I don't show it other than isolation if it's too much.

My mom tells me and my dad how ****** we are. She's ****ed me over so much because she can't handle her own emotions. I'm praying for their divorce so they can have peace separated. Also, it's why I don't get close or married. I'm afraid to end up like them.

I never had much of a good connection with my mom. So it's like a girl with daddy issues but the other gender. I can't find a decent girl, because I can't recognize one. All women ik left me for superficial reasons or told me how ****** i was. I didn't harm them or hurt them physically or mentally they got tired of my complaining and,my moms ********. In the end, I don't blame then I was very mindful and loving every moment but people like to **** it up.

In the end, i hate feeling good about someone. I don't trust women anymore. Ik it's skewed idk how bad, if you were in my shoes. You'd know. I don't know what to do. I am hurting because I am afraid my friend will use me because I didn't get in her head that I liked her no matter how obvious I was she took it out of context on accident and ****ed me over unintentionally. I forgive though I don't trust her. Sadly I don't trust one female much. Not one!! I've been drug through 5 abusive relationships back to back. Two if them hit me and used everything out of me.

If you say their are good people. I can't see them. I'm afraid of anything"good" anymore.

The problem is going through everyday trying to avoid feeling. Trying to avoid liking someone. It's easy to do but internally it builds and hurts so much you don't care anymore. Yeah girls made me learn to lose faith and my soul. Its hard to be sweet when they are bitter all around.