I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't even know if this is the right place to post this. I don't think it's really medication related, but maybe it belongs there? I have no idea, but depression is my main problem so I'm trying here. I've been a whiny annoying ***** the past few days with all my posts about poor me not being able to afford meds, but here I am again posting about my poor problems when I know other people have it so much worse. Ugh. I'm sure this will be too long for anyone to care about reading anyway.

I haven't slept in 31 hours. I have really horrible insomnia. When I do sleep ordinarily, it's not more than 2hours at a time. I can't fall asleep, I can't stay asleep. I'm not even tired now. I'm usually not tired, but even if I am, I still can't sleep. I had an accidental OD on some sleeping pills, and I feel it still affecting me, but I can't tell my doctors or anyone because would ever believe someone would be so stupid to accidentally take 32 sleeping pills in a 72 hour period because they can't sleep, but that's honestly what I did. I don't think they'd believe that I wasn't trying to hurt myself, but I honestly wasn't.

Anyway, I have also stopped taking my Effexor cold turkey because for now it doesn't seem like I'll be able to afford it, so I just stopped 2 days ago. My doctor knows about this and isn't happy about it, but there's nothing I can do until he helps me with the free program again. I took Effexor only about a month and a half, and it's my first real antidepressant (2 weeks on Celexa, but that doesn't really count I think). I was severely depressed before going on medication, and I still felt severely depressed until the day I stopped taking it two days ago. Something weird happened after, though. I suddenly felt better. My insomnia has been an ongoing problem since January, so I don't attribute that to the medications, though it has gotten severely worse in the past weeks, but that's still before any medication changes.

After I stopped, I suddenly felt like so much better. It was literally like I felt better than I can remember feeling in years, happiness wise. I have no idea why that would be. Even with the lack of sleep, I have had a ton more energy and been more willing to get out and do stuff and be social, etc. I have a few friends online that I chat with regularly late into the night, in fact I'm still chatting with them right now. Even over text they say I have seemed more noticeably happy. It's like.. a high, or something, even though I don't know what a drug high even feels like. It's what I imagine one might feel like, though. Then all of the sudden tonight, about 20 minutes ago, I literally crashed. Like one second I was laughing, and the next second I was curled into a ball bawling my eyes out. I know that what brought out the sadness was that I thought of the guy that I am basically in love with but have a really complicated "friendship/relationship" with that does upset me, but normally I can think about it and it doesn't necessarily even make me sad, or if it does I don't always cry, and I rarely "bawl" over it, but that's what happened. I went from laughing one minute to curled up in ball crying my eyes out the next. I finally got enough of a grip on myself to get up and think about it for a second, and I'm really freaked out by this. Now I have extreme anxiety because I don't know what's going on, and I don't know what I can possibly do. It's 4:30 in the morning and my doctor is 2000 miles away and doesn't really care about me anyway.

I don't know if all of this is brought on by extreme sleep deprivation or what. I don't know what I can do to sleep. I can't sleep. It's impossible. I've had pretty bad insomnia since January but this like really extreme insomnia has been about a month. I tried talking to my doctor about the insomnia, but he doesn't get it. He says he'll gladly prescribe me more sleeping pills, as many as I want, but I told him I don't want to be dependent on sleeping pills. He said he understood that, but then he was like "Well I think the depression and anxiety are more important than the insomnia." I told him I didn't feel like it because the insomnia is making everything else in my life 10 trillion times harder, and he was like "So get the sleeping pills." and that's his only solution. What can I do? I can't sleep.

I'm sorry this is a ridiculous post and probably totally incoherent. I don't even know what is going on anymore.