thank you all for the replies. Many hugs for all the pain you have felt over this issue.

I do agree acceptance at some point may be the key, but not right now for me. I've never allowed myself to display any anger or any resentment towards my mom and it feels right for me right now. I just want to be out of the amibilance stage to where i can fully fill it. If that makes any sense. I want to for once not make excuses so i can emotionally feel my anger which is so detached. I'm not trying to change her or our relationship, I just want to step out of denial and apathy and finally feel like its okay socially and emotionally to feel the anger without punishment.