Im.a very spiritual person, I do believe we go somewhere anazing when we die least I hope. Ive noticed thoughts like this for years every year it gets stronger. Im not one for a pity party. in fact I love putting on a fake smile and a very bubbly personality for everyone. The real me lives a very dark cold lonely life every single day. I give amazing advice, im the best friend you've never had, ill sit beside you if your sad until you feel better, im funny, im beautiful, and I see life very different then most. I cant kill fruit flies because I think they need to live tio. This is my personality that most know, what they dont know is the endless battle of pain and suffering I experience daily!!! Unfortunately I have very SEVERE form of ptsd abd can not go.on medication so I have been trying natural ways to help me. I have never told anyone what im writting because I dont like to bring people down. Im 27 this year im very confused about where im going in this life, and who I even am. It feels as though im a crazy person with way to many issues, if I tell my bf of 3 years I fear he will leave me, the fear is huge! I just dont know anymore! Sick of being sick. Its strange because the only time I feel happy is while drinking. I dont drink alot but when I do its peaceful. Thanks for reading, have a beautiful day everyone. Im writting this on my phone please excuse the poor grammer lol