I've been receiving treatment for a smorgasbord of things since age 9, but over the years I've developed other unhealthy habits and have noticed a lot happening that I can't explain. I've been on so many antidepressants that I probably couldn't name them all. After no luck, I was pretty sure there was something more going on with me.

A nurse practitioner put me on an anti-psychotic, which did nothing. Then I was put on a mood stabilizer, which also did nothing. I convinced myself that there was a chance I was Bipolar because others said they thought I could be, but after being on another mood stabilizer, doing research, and taking various personality tests online, I think the real reason I've not benefited from any of these medications is because I have BPD or something similar.

I spoke to a nurse practitioner on Friday and she referred to a clinic so I can get a proper diagnosis, as she couldn't confidently say I was Bipolar. I feel like none of the psychiatrists I speak to know what they're doing. I had to bring up possibly being bipolar, but now that I think I could have BPD, if I bring it up, will they just assume I am again? I was hoping for some advice as far as knowing if I am from someone who had an inkling that they had BPD and an idea of what they were/are experiencing/feeling. I know it's different for everyone depending on other illnesses, different environments, etc.

I've read about disassociation and I don't know exactly how it works, but sometimes I feel like everything is surreal. I've had conversations with people and felt as if it were a sitcom I was viewing from an audience, if that makes sense. I knew I was in my body, but it just felt weird. This, of course, isn't a great indicator of someone having BPD, but I have a lot of crazy things going on inside of me and they've led me to this forum...

Again, I know that nobody here can diagnose me, and that's not what I'm asking of anybody. I just want some insight. I'm afraid there's nothing that will help me anymore. I hate the stigma attached to mental illness. It's embarrassing and I hate feeling like I'm in a fish bowl every time I am in a doctor's office.