Jeez. Tonight is a really, really bad night. I'm not sure if I'm closer to crying or to smashing something up. As you could probably tell if you read my most recent thread, I am in the midst of a Depressive episode after a recently relapse Earlier I got really irritable and had an argument with my partner, before making a mess of the bedroom I tidied a few days ago.

Since then, I've slowly become more and more depressed as the evening has gone on. Normally I get irritable after bottling up my emotions, then after I've relieved the stress my mind seems to just allow the sadness to come. And it is a deep, painful sadness.

I'm extremely alone. When I was in Secondary School, I had no friends and no social life. A lot of my life I was bullied, and I didn't have anybody that I could meet up with, or talk to. Then around the age of 16, I met a group of people and before I knew it I was very popular with a large group of friends who I saw almost every day, and three very close friends - best friends, I suppose is the social term for it.

Between 16 and 18, I bonded more and more with these people. I was so happy to have some friends in my life. I loved them. I shared my personality with them. Eventually I relaxed around them, and didn't suppress my eccentricity. I guess that's where I went wrong.

I've lost almost everyone. I don't know why. What did I do wrong? One of my closest friends just began to stop speaking to me, more so with each day. I miss making him laugh; I miss him making me laugh.

Really, I must have about 3 manic episodes in those couple of years. I was euphoric a lot of the time. And that caused paranoia, psychosis and I suppose annoying behaviour a lot.

I must be a really bad person to be so hated. I don't want to be; I don't try to be. My eyes are leaking writing this. It just hurts so much to have been on the top, to have tasted happiness. And it's all gone. I'm drained of it. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

I'm really sorry about my disordered writing. My mind is hurting really bad. In fact, I must be low, because I've got some physical symptoms creeping in (headache, aches).

Recently I've been suffering from extremely painful stomach cramps and after tests it's thought that it's actually psychosomatic. Which was a shock. Me pretending to be okay to my partner all the time is taking its toll on me, never mind having to smile at customers at work, and engage in conversation with thw backstabbing colleagues I work with.

It's not just the Depression talking by the way. I really have lost all of my friends, except one best friend. And we don't meet often because he's always working.

I'm alone again



If I can find it in me, I may need to call my psych tomorrow and say I can't wait two months until my next appointment. The new meds are obviously crap.

Sorry to be depressing.