I want to clarify some things here. These points will be explicit both sexually and in terms of self harm. Please don't read if that will upset you. What I am saying I need to tell her is this:

1) I told her I have a long term goal of being in a relationship. She assumed (as anyone would) that I meant a typical relationship with a man. She encourages me to talk to men that I find attractive, and consider go outside my comfort zone emotionally, but hold off sexually. All of that is good and something I need to do for any romantic/sexual relationship. However, she is ignoring this other element completely. I do not want to a) accidentally get into a relationship that plays into my fetishes but crosses the line into abuse without me realizing it or b) get into a relationship with a great guy who is completely vanilla and watch the relationship slowly completely fall apart because we aren't sexually compatible. I can't keep lying to myself and pretending that this isn't a serious component to my sexuality. This isn't gonna go away and it has to be considered.

2) I told her that I was pursuing and talking to guys online. She asked me what sites I was using. I reluctantly lied and told her okcupid. I asked her why it mattered, and she said it was because it changes tht type of person I might encounter. I'm actually on fetish sites. That's a HUGE difference.

3) I actually often feel like she is pushing me to meet men a little faster than I want to. She assumes it's because I'm scared. While that's true, it's also because I am educating myself on BDSM and trying to establish what kind of man I am looking for extremely clearly as well as reaching out to older members of the community for advice on safety and communication. I would MUCH rather take this slowly and with extreme caution. I think I need to tell her that this relationship goal is much more complicated than she thinks.

4) LCM is hurt and upset with me because she thinks I self harmed earlier this week. While that is technically true, it isn't exactly that simple. I was aroused and happy and took a blade to my skin. I wasn't upset or looking to relieve emotional pain. I did it solely for sexual reasons which is COMPLETELY different than what it was in the past. Granted, I do avoid actually cutting in my play because I did abuse that in the past, but I told her that I wouldn't hurt myself and I was lying. I hurt myself all the time, almost daily, just not by cutting and not to relieve emotional pain.

This isn't something I take lightly at all. I am a strong person and I'm not going to submit to just anyone.