I am a mess tonight. I've been holding mostly strong, but that has run out and it's crashing in badly.

I've been keeping a good face on it, but really, it has been a horrible week (and year). I will spare the details, but there has been some major stuff. BF is Mr. Anxiety and Mr. BPD, so you can imagine how well unrelenting waves of stress and trauma have been going over.

Saturday morning, I wake up. He is gone. He periodically wigs out and takes off (sometimes with sui threats, sometimes not). It is distressing, but I've dealt with it before and work coping strategies hard so as not to lose my mind. The general pattern is that he walks for many hours, but eventually comes to his senses and comes home or calls to be picked up. This is the third time in maybe a month. It usually isn't anywhere near so frequent.

This time is not following the pattern. Woke up today. No return. I pieced together what I could. What he had with him, what he didn't. It's been over 36 hours now. Not a single response to text. Phone goes directly to vm. I do not inundate. I am patient, but pointed out in today's texts that this has gone too far and I will have to start involving other people. We are very socially isolated, so there are only 2 choices. His dad (next state over). The police.

He had a major falling out with his dad many months ago, to where there is no contact and he did not give his dad his new phone number. His dad is a major league worry wort and can be judgmental.

I have envisioned many, many scenarios trying to figure out what to do. There is only one remote possibility in which his father would be useful to contact. Far more likely I'd be adding weight to my own burden. The police. Sigh. It's a big city. Wouldn't exactly be high priority.

So I wait, feeling damned if I do and damned if I don't. And very, very alone.

Any thoughts you can spare for him to come home safe and sound and SOON would be much appreciated.