So, I guess I should just probably start.

My issue, if you want to call it that is that the girl I want to be with is with someone else. That in itself sounds simple enough, I mean you just except it and move on right? Except that for the majority of my adult life this girl has been a massive part, I’m 27 now, I’ve known her since we were both 18. We’ve had a relationship in the past, being honest throughout the close to 10 years we’ve known each other we’ve had an on an off again relationship. We’ve not been together for two years but up until recently, let’s say about 2 months ago, we did everything together. She’s been my best friend, confident and companion for a very long time.

I’ll not go into the nitty gritty of why we broke up in the past, I mean it’s in the past, you should be able to grow up and get better? At least that what I always told myself, I knew the reasons we had problems but I’d only make changes for a few months then old habits would creep back in again. I needed to grow up, I still probably do. I’m not taking the blame for the whole relationship, there are two people in them but I know where my faults are and I know I need to work on me.

She told me last week, that she’s met someone and it’s been going on for around a month or so. It just sort of happened, it wasn’t planned…you just have to go with it. And I’m ok with that, at least I keep telling myself I am, I have to be, she’s my best friend and if she’s happy then I can’t hold that against her. Except it’s one of those things where (and I’ll use an example)

We are sitting chatting on a Saturday, everything’s going great. We joke, we have fun and I turn and tell her ‘You know, this is why I’d never want to find anyone else when you’re so awesome and perfect.’ And I meant it, I just felt like a fool a few days later. I know you can’t help how you feel and you can’t help how someone else feels but it is really bringing me down this time.

I told her I hadn’t really thought about her in a romantic way for a while, I couldn’t tell her if I still had feelings for her or not. And it was true, except when the reality of ‘I’m seeing someone’ sets in, it gets you thinking. It starts those cogs turning and if anything, that’s what’s killing me. I still looked at her and felt the same feelings, that I did when I first saw her when I was a bright eye’d 18 year old. Its never changed.

I guess at the core, and just typing this out, trying to put everything into words is at least giving me some direction and thought. I don’t want to be replaced, it’s what I’ve always felt, its sucked for the last month or so because we used to be so close. Curling up on the couch watching the walking dead was easy and enjoyable. I miss the contact we had, it wasn’t sexual, it was comfort? Security? Are those the words? I accept, I may not like it but I accept that we can’t do that stuff now.

Please don’t think this as me painting her as the devil, she didn’t use me while no one was around nor have I felt like that. I guess I’m just afraid I’ll lose my best friend, I’ll lose the most significant person in my life and the one person who I’ve been inseparable from for so long. I’m not looking to get her back or steal her away, that’s not it at all. I’m not living on the ‘well maybe someday in the future’ nonsense, it doesn’t help and it doesn’t change the right now. But forgive me for admitting that I really would do anything to have her back...i just know what I have to accept.

I feel like I have just rambled on and not really said anything lol. I’m just in a really dark place at the minute and the one person I could and used to talk to is the one person I can’t now. And it sucks. I’m trying to get my life on track, I’ve made so many empty promises to her that I’m only in this situation because of me.

I guess I could just use some advice? Guidance? Clarity? Anything..