The last few days, I have done well thanks to everyone's advice. I stopped criticizing and pushing myself. I listened to my body and emotions and have only done things that I felt I was able to do. I mostly rested, but it gave me the energy to start doing some chores around the house. That's the good news.

But this week has been a pretty bad week. I had multiple breakdowns. I'm still dealing with my depression and thoughts. Was in the ER. Seeing my Pdoc was emotional for me. Still hate group. My puppy had her spay surgery, so I have to watch her basically 24/7 (or put the cone on her). And not only does my mom probably need neck and shoulder surgery, she might need back surgery, she might have skin cancer, and she collapsed Sat night because she didn't have enough oxygen in her blood and she has a blood clot in her leg.

About SUI:


Not a fun week to say the least.

And now, like clockwork, 1-2 days before I see my T and I don't want to go. Last week was a lot of arguing. I do not want to do that again. And most of my issues this week I don't want to talk to her about. It's difficult talking about feelings concerning my mom. I do feel for her and worry, but at the same I'm kinda numb about it. Nothing to talk about concerning the puppy. I'll break down crying if I talk about my Pdoc. I can't talk about group because she geys mad. And I do not want to talk about my thoughts. It will just worry my T, and she'll threaten a "higher level of care" which will trigger my abandonment and rejection issues which will derail any sort of processing. On top of all of this, I still, after 3? weeks, feel a disconnect with her. So if I bring up the disconnect, she is going to get frustrated and we will argue for at least half the session before she gives me any type of reassurance. And now that she's too busy to be a support to me outside of session, I just feel more distant.

So I'm left with 4 options:
1. I call/email and cancel this week. BUT...she will simply respond with something that will convince me to come in. And because she always convinces me, I come off like I'm testing her or manipulating her.
2. I email her all my concerns. WELL...she will read it and be irriated I wrote it instead of coming in and talking about it. Plus, she'll respond to come in and talk with her.
3. I don't show up. BUT...then she'll call the police on me and she'll really be pissed.
4. Just show up. BUT...wth do I talk about? As I mentioned above, there's really nothing to talk about that will be helpful to me at this time. I'm "in trouble" whether I express myself or not. When I express myself, I'm focusing on the wrong thing or blowing things out of proportion or going down a bad path. When I don't express myself, then I'm wasting both our time, not being open, being resistant.

I'm stuck. I know that a lot of these issues with my T are my own issues. But she isn't perfect. But even then, she gets upset if I put any blame on her. Ugh!

What do I do? I'm so angry, hurt, and frustrated with her and everything else. I need to get out of this hole!