Scarlet, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Help me understand here ... did this downward spiral and feeling of disconnection with T begin when she said something about the relationship not being the main thing in your therapy with her? I don't remember the exact words, but I do remember the gist of it and that it was distressing to you. Am I remembering correctly?

At the time, I took her statement to be about a therapeutic approach, philosophy or point-of-view, not a personal comment about her feelings about you or the quality or importance of the relationship with you.

I happen to agree with that point-of-view. I personally find therapy that relies on the relationship as the main thing highly risky. The chances of the T not being able to fulfill the role of being there and doing the right thing most of the time, much less all the time, seems extremely risky to me. It sets the client up for devastation if the T fails in some way, moves, gets sick, even if they go through a bad patch themselves and get cranky and impatient.

If your T's statement about "the relationship" was the trigger for you, that might be worth talking about. It could be reassuring in many ways.

I'm also worried about the "breakdowns" you talk about. I don't know exactly what you mean by that -- highly emotional, collapsing, crying, a panic attack??? I just don't know. But that's something to talk about with T.

In my mind that's related to the comment about the relationship. A relationship with T is nice, it's important, but we also need knowledge, skills, ways to cope, understanding of cognitive distortions and how our bodies react during a panic attack or other type of "breakdown." Our Ts can't always be there for us, sometimes it's up to us to calm ourselves sufficiently to prevent or stop or pull out of a breakdown when it's hitting us.

I think, from what you've written in various threads, that was what your T was referring to when she made her comment about the relationship. That's worth talking about with her and if you don't feel like talking much, maybe it would be okay to bring up the subject and to listen to what she has to say about it, about her therapeutic approach and what she meant when she made that statement.

Knowing our Ts therapeutic approach, what they believe about the therapeutic process, and how they see their therapeutic style is, to me, a very important part of developing a trusting relationship.

I'm wondering, Scarlet, if you're feeling very down, rejected and disconnected because your T has more on offer than a relationship. She also sees skills for you to use between sessions as highly important. Maybe she worded it bluntly or tossed it off without explanation and it triggered you. Is that worth talking about with her?

Let us know what you decide to do. I'll be thinking about you.

Edited to add: As you said, Scarlet, "Maybe our ideas on what a T should be is different." That's major. It's time to find out if you're both on the same page.