I apologize for the novel length post, but I'm having trouble figuring out if I'm just done with therapy and ready to move on or if I'm trying to test my T.

My T is great, very warm and friendly, and allows texts and emails, which really helped me keep the connection during the week. A few months ago I revealed details of some CSA. It took two and a half years with this T to get that far and was a big moment for me. In a subsequent session, I referred back to the csa and he had no idea what I was talking about. He had forgotten! He was incredibly embarrassed and apologized profusely. We hashed it out and I felt at the time that our relationship would be stronger for this. It was very unlike him to forget and he said he was still trying to figure out how he forgot, but he thinks it's maybe because it was so hard for him to hear the details because we are so close and ??? I don't know...We talk about our relationship a lot and since then it feels like he's kind of backed off from the texts and feels more distant. Like he responds with typical T stuff "thanks for sharing" "can't wait to hear about it next week". There's nothing wrong with that per se, it's just not as warm as he used to be. I can't figure out if I feel the distance from him because maybe he realized that he was too close, or if I've been creating the distance.

In a recent session I was talking about hugs and physical contact. He said he always wants to give me a hug at the end of each session, but he wouldn't unless I asked. This made me feel a little freaked out, but mostly happy because I thought it was proof that he wasn't pulling away at all and I was just thinking he was.

I think it would help if I went over the details of the csa again, but I'm just kind of over it at this point. I don't want to go back there, especially after him forgetting, but maybe that's the only way we'll both heal from this rupture. I think he's waiting for me to tell him again, but I wish he would bring it up. I wish he would say something like "I'm ready to hear about the csa if you're ready to tell me." Even though I know he is, it would be nice to har it from him. I want him to push me on this topic until I break down and tell him again. I hate that because if I want to tell him so badly I should just tell him and not play games.

Anyway, these past two weeks I haven't texted him at all and we feel so distant. I just don't know if I'm doing it on purpose to test him, try to get him to text me, or bring it up in therapy, OR if I'm just ready to move on and live without his support. Can it be both?

I have a history of cutting people out of my life for seemingly minor offenses and that's something I've been trying to work on. I don't want to repeat the pattern with him. I guess I will talk to him directly about all this, but it feels like we talked about it so much already, I don't want to belabor it.