I write this, at 29, single, living alone, content with this arrangement, I'm still social and live a good life.

I've met some beautiful women over the last few years, the only two I every had any real relationship had absolutely no desire for an expanding family for various reasons (already had children etc).

I don't write this from the prospect of hating kids, of not loving the affection, the love and the time you spend with them, quite the opposite. I have an intense longing for a family but I'm so scared of where I'm coming from.

I sat on campus last week, looking over the moat surrounding the library, looking out on to the vast lawns, the trees and the people walking by. Two people walked from class and sat under a giant, ancient fig tree on the edge of the lawn. One, a good looking young guy, blond, athletic and full of confidence, with him a beautiful girl in her early 20's, also full of confidence, she was visibly pregnant, and happy.

Until this happened all I could think of was being in the same position, of being young, low income and in my case, having absolutely no family support. My father in his mid 70's and barely capable of taking care of himself, a drug addict, alcoholic and undiagnosed mentally ill in a few categories, a schizophrenic sister who appeared this week on a TV specials about problem public housing tenants. My mother is dead, suffering from multiple chronic illnesses and dying at 37. I know nothing about my grandparents on my Dad's side, on my mothers side my grandmother is also schizophrenic, my grandfather dying of bowl cancer in his 30's, leaving behind 4 daughters, 3 of them with either treated for depression or bipolar disorder.

My own bipolar diagnosis has caused no issues for me, except remarkable productiveness, I have seen it have a far more disastrous impact on other people. I think of how happy that couple looked, thinking about them having stable, supportive families and actually excited at the prospect of a child. This all weighs over me when I meet women, I can't hide how much I'm afraid of passing on negative traits, I don't know what it looks like to have a stable, supportive family, I would love to get past this but I don't know how.