Thank you. First I was really irritable for a couple of days and now I just feel like crying. It's exhausting and depressing. I just need some help sometimes and I need a break.

Recent Triggers:
1) Dd 1 (10 y.o.) being a bully and an escalating freaker-outer that triggers my childhood trauma. She's so hard to deal with at times and just escalates to a ridiculous degree. I am expecting this child to have MI as she grows up. I can just see it. But I don't like her bully nature, her rage, her mean streak. It's very triggering for me and it's something I have to parent against all the time. It's very triggering. Mostly I stay calm and deescalate and keep others safe, etc. And sometimes I just leave the house when I cannot take it any more. I have fantasies about leaving my family or leaving my husband with her and taking the two other little kids. Escape fantasies. Shrugging

2) Finances. I am always trying to stretch and make do and haul us out of debt. Dh doesn't really contribute to solving the problem, just tells me he knows I can handle it and that's about it. Ok he did find us a cheaper phone plan. But ultimately it all rests on me. The demands of the family. Dd1 is a talented dancer - she is in competitive dance, he wants her to be in it, she wants to be in it, "it's her life, the air she breathes". So somehow I have to squeeze out the $4000-$5000/yr alongside our monthly childcare payments of $1400/mo. and our mortgage and condo fees and insurance and RESPs and groceries and car insurance, etc. Mommy why can't we eat out for dinner? Why can't we get ice cream? Why why why???? Wah wah wah Mommy!!!!

I've mostly got it under control but it's always a struggle struggle struggle.

3) Sex-or lack of. Due to my meds, which I HAVE TO TAKE, I feel like cardboard down there. Sorry TMI. But it's true. I need a freaking jack hammer to feel any sensation and even then, O's (which can only happen with said jack hammer) are.... meh. I used to have screaming O's with dh every single time but since we've had kids 10 years ago and since I've been on meds.... Nada. It does wonderful things to his ego, let me tell you. And we never have time to spend on sex. We have three kids, ages 10, 7 and 4. When do we ever have privacy or a moment to ourselves? Never.

That's all I'm going to complain about for now. When I think of something else to vent I'll be back. LOL