5) Teachers today and expectations on parents. I need to monitor my children's homework every night and make sure they are all doing it and work on their scissor skills and writing skills and spelling skills and organization skills and completion skills, etc. It's very exhausting to have to stick my nose in their business all the time and to have the desire and need to see them succeed and do well and accomplish. To push them and encourage them and to do it right not to put on too much pressure but still to help them reach and grow. I'm just tired. I always feel like I'm doing parenting wrong. I know I'm not but it's just too hard sometimes. Too hard.

And I feel all these things and all this way and I'm on meds. What would it be like if I wasn't on meds? I read back over my stuff and think I sound depressed. Yeah but ? Shrugging Pdoc and meds can only do so much. And the goal of therapy is to get you to cope and be happy and forget it and just shrug and carry on with your responsibilities and goals and be okay and coping and functioning. So I know what they would say, "Just deal." They'd say it nicely, but ultimately the message is, "Just deal."

I wonder what kind of message I'm giving my girls. My 7 y.o. daughter has a lot of love for life and wants to grow up, marry and have 3 children. But she's been saying she knows it's going to be very hard for her when she's grown up and a Mommy. Oh great, I have to do all the responsibilities of being and adult and a mother and wife, etc. AND I have to make it look easy and okay and effortless and enjoyable because then what will my children think and what will they learn about life? I have to do this better and handle it better and be more happy and joyful because I'm supposed to show THEM how to do it all. Or if not how to do it all then just how to do it. BUt I don't freaking know. I'm just making it up as I go along, desperately hoping I don't fail. I do good most of the time. But sometimes I just get exhausted and depressed.