Hi guys,

Sorry if this post is in the wrong spot, wasn't sure what to choose. Also, I must apologise for the length beforehand. I don't know how to summarise so much info, but I did try!

Just wanted some honest opinions.
I'm 37 and over the years have noticed that I may have commitment issues and aren't sure how to fix this. When I was 18 I was engaged to be married to the most perfect guy for me. Next thing I knew I found all sorts of reasons why we should break up, including falling in love with someone else. I cheated on him, broke up with him, dated the new guy, and then one day I woke up and was wondering what the hell I was doing. I didn't love the new guy at all, wasn't even attracted to him.

For years I wondered why I broke up with my fiancée and only until my late 20's did I realise that maybe I was just finding a way to run from him. I have had a long history of dating abusive men who I thought at first were great guys. I believe what I do is that I somehow look for men who I'd never marry without even realising it and sabotage the relationships with any good men I find.
My father left my family when I was 10, left us with no money and a house we couldn't afford to keep for another woman. I don't know anyone in my family or personal life that have had successful marriages. As a child and teen, whenever I thought of my future family, it was always myself and 4-6 children. Never thought of the man. So maybe this was the start of my commitment issues?

So 4 years ago I fell in love with an amazing guy. I would have married him in a heartbeat. One day he said something that hurt my feelings without realising it, and I reacted pretty badly. Found myself in tears even though I'm not the type that cries easily. Next thing I knew I was finding reasons why he wasn't the one for me. I cheated on him with someone who I thought I had fallen in love with, I told him about it and cried and he forgave me. I left him anyway because I didn't trust myself or trust he wouldn't try to get me back(revenge), and I left him for good. That was the most painful night of my life. I wandered the streets until 3 in the morning crying in random bus stops and parks. I shocked myself.
This was the second time in my life that I cheated on someone, the first time was with my ex fiancée. Why do I feel compelled to cheat on the good guys?! Both instances I thought I loved someone else and after I broke up with my ex's for the new guy I realised I didn't love the new guy at all. I wasn't even attracted to them!

Three years ago I met the perfect guy and found myself in a whirlwind romance with a man I thought I could marry. He's turned out to be an evil narcissist who I've been having a hell of a time trying to get rid of as he lives with me and my kids. Being with him is so frustrating that I've found myself becoming physically abusive towards him. He insulted my children and belittled my miscarriage, and I got so angry that I sort of blanked out and slapped him across the bed. He's a really big guy too! When I get that mad I don't even realise what I'm doing, I have only a vague memory of it later on. I'm not a violent person at all, but he seems to be bringing something out of me that I don't recognise. I don't drink, I don't fight, I don't smoke, I barely even curse (I say darn or bloody a lot, only curse when I'm furious), but with this current guy, I'm the opposite of all that. I say the F word to him all the time, I'm not like that!!

So this has opened the door for even more hitting him when he gives me the stupid silent treatment and loads of other frustrating things he does against me. I need to get rid of him because I feel I'm losing who I am and am becoming so angry. I've already been with someone abusive, I don't have the patience for any more crap. I'm too old to be wasting any more time! I've literally spent more than 10 years of my life stuck in abusive relationships. I feel the frustration growing and growing inside of me. He cares about no one but himself, insults me and my family, criticise and puts me down all the time. My family lost our old home because of him, I'm over 10,000 in debt because of him, I've had to have an abortion and I had a miscarriage because of him, and he cares about none of it. I get no support, and am all alone, while he's out living his happy single life. He treats me terribly, and he pushes and pushes until I explode. I'm so scared one day I'm going to blank out again and hurt him until he stops spewing his evil words to me. He said I'm beginning to scare him, I'm scaring myself to be honest. I didn't know I had this in me. I know that if he really wanted to he could knock me out with one blow, but he doesn't retaliate. In fact I want him to hit me back, it would be an emotional reaction at least. It would show he has feelings. I think that deep down he isn't the confident man he makes himself out to be, and that's why I'm getting away with hitting him.
That's another long story, but I'll get back to my point...

So anyway, my ex who I left 3 years ago has always been in touch with me. I think about him often and regret so many things. It serves me right for what I did to him, and I feel so bad that I hurt someone I love. I feel that what I'm going through now is my payment for what I did to him and that I deserve it.
Maybe I can only be with someone abusive, maybe that's all I can handle because if I'm with someone good I may ruin them. I don't think I know how to have a good relationship.
I sometimes wonder if I've been hurt so much in my life that it's impossible for me to completely love anyone. I think I have a love limit and don't give myself over completely to a man so that I can run. This plan doesn't always work as I can't get my ex out of my mind, and my current bf is still here after I've done everything I can think of to try and get rid of him. You'd think my constantly telling him to leave and that I fell in love with someone that doesn't even exist would work; but nooo. He just pretends like me kicking him out and packing all his things never happened. I tell him all the time that he's a fake and has convinced everyone, even himself that he's this God-like perfect human that does no wrong, only I know the truth. He just stops speaking to me for a week and then out of the blue is all happy again and speaking like nothing ever happened and is asking what's wrong with me and shakes his head at me telling me I always like trouble and that I live in the past. It's like I'm in the twilight zone.

The verbal and mental abuse I'm going through right now is driving me insane. I seem to have once again entered a relationship on the basis that I would never spend my life with the guy. I thought I had fixed this! I would like to be with someone I could actually marry. I do want marriage, but I'm scared I'll ruin someone else again and don't know how to stop that. How do I stop running? How do I recognise a good man and avoid the abusive ones? I honestly want my ex back, but am worried that I may just be using him to help me get over the guy I'm currently with. How do I know what's real or not. If I see my ex I feel him in my heart, I still cry when I think about how I left him or when I pass the area where we broke up and walked away from each other. When I see my current bf, I feel nothing but disgust. My ex is always asking why I'm running away from him. I don't want to run from another good man, what if he's my last chance for happiness and I'm stuck with this twisted guy I'm living with. What's wrong with me and how do I fix it?