Quote:
Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer
Scarlet, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Help me understand here ... did this downward spiral and feeling of disconnection with T begin when she said something about the relationship not being the main thing in your therapy with her? I don't remember the exact words, but I do remember the gist of it and that it was distressing to you. Am I remembering correctly?
At the time, I took her statement to be about a therapeutic approach, philosophy or point-of-view, not a personal comment about her feelings about you or the quality or importance of the relationship with you.
I happen to agree with that point-of-view. I personally find therapy that relies on the relationship as the main thing highly risky. The chances of the T not being able to fulfill the role of being there and doing the right thing most of the time, much less all the time, seems extremely risky to me. It sets the client up for devastation if the T fails in some way, moves, gets sick, even if they go through a bad patch themselves and get cranky and impatient.
If your T's statement about "the relationship" was the trigger for you, that might be worth talking about. It could be reassuring in many ways.
I'm also worried about the "breakdowns" you talk about. I don't know exactly what you mean by that -- highly emotional, collapsing, crying, a panic attack??? I just don't know. But that's something to talk about with T.
In my mind that's related to the comment about the relationship. A relationship with T is nice, it's important, but we also need knowledge, skills, ways to cope, understanding of cognitive distortions and how our bodies react during a panic attack or other type of "breakdown." Our Ts can't always be there for us, sometimes it's up to us to calm ourselves sufficiently to prevent or stop or pull out of a breakdown when it's hitting us.
I think, from what you've written in various threads, that was what your T was referring to when she made her comment about the relationship. That's worth talking about with her and if you don't feel like talking much, maybe it would be okay to bring up the subject and to listen to what she has to say about it, about her therapeutic approach and what she meant when she made that statement.
Knowing our Ts therapeutic approach, what they believe about the therapeutic process, and how they see their therapeutic style is, to me, a very important part of developing a trusting relationship.
I'm wondering, Scarlet, if you're feeling very down, rejected and disconnected because your T has more on offer than a relationship. She also sees skills for you to use between sessions as highly important. Maybe she worded it bluntly or tossed it off without explanation and it triggered you. Is that worth talking about with her?
Let us know what you decide to do. I'll be thinking about you. 
Edited to add: As you said, Scarlet, "Maybe our ideas on what a T should be is different." That's major. It's time to find out if you're both on the same page. |
I first felt a shift in the relationship when I disclosed to her something from my past. Part of it was me putting up a wall by thinking that she would judge me (part of me still believes this). I asked her that day if I could hold her hand. She said no because touching other people's hands was a boundary. I have never challenged it, but it doesn't make sense. She will shake people's hands and do pinky swears. I explained I just wanted her to touch my skin so I know that she was repulsed by me.
The relationship is different. I used to be allowed to talk about my feelings and thoughts w/o being constantly challenged. She usually wrote back to me once a week. I don't know.
And yes, when she said that the relationship isn't important, that hurt me deeply. But I addressed that with her last week, and she said basically what you wrote: that the relationship is important, but for my progress the other things like coping skills is more important.
The problem is that, for me, if I don't feel secure within any relationship I won't open up. Why would I? So maintaining that connection is important to me. It's necessary.
I understand that part of her job is to get me to focus on the positives and to help "correct" my thoughts. The CBT model is thoughts, feelings, and behaviors affect each other, so change one and you can change the others. She also uses ACT which is basically learning to acknowledge and accept thoughts and feelings as what they are: thoughts and feelings, not facts. I get that challenging my thoughts, feelings, and even behaviors teaches me to redirect myself towards a more positive direction. She teaches mindfulness to help me be aware and present.
But she used to listen to me! She used to empathize. Now she simply says "Why does it matter if I understand?" BECAUSE IT DOES!
This was supposed to be a partnership. We were supposed to be equals. Supposedly, everyone tells me I'm smart. And she has even said that there's really not much to actually teach me because I already know it all. Then why am I always wrong? Why am I constantly being told I'm being resistant or challenging her?
This is so hard to explain. I know what's bothering me. She's doing to me what I used to be able to do (still sometimes do
) to other people: to "win" conversations by misdirection. There's different types of conversations: ones that stay straight, others veer off course, some go in circles, and what my T does which is make a 180. Actually, I think one of my first posts you responded to was about this.
But it's more than that. I emailed her about my mom...no response. She used to respond to emails like that. She used to show she cares. Now when I ask for reassurance, I have to figure out how I already know xyz. Doesn't it feel nice when someone reassures you?
She said that my problem maintaining a connection and problems with abandonment will be my core issues to work on. She said that I could bring it up as much as I needed to. I have confronted her many times about this and each time there is an argument before she understands that arguing isn't helping. She won't own up to her mistakes ever. But when I tell her that she comes across as "perfect" all the time, she laughs and brushes it off. Last time she said she'd have to tell her husband that she's perfect.
I know I have a mental illness. I know I struggle with relationships. I have thought distortions. But why is it that I'm in the wrong? Why is it that she's always right? I thought I was a competent adult!
I'm sorry. I'm extremely frustrated and upset. I really need to just feel connected so I can move on from this. That is what is most important right now. With that, I can stop focusing on her and focus on myself. I need her. I want to see her. But I want nothing to do with her when she does this misdirection thing. It's annoying. Why is it so bad to want to be listened to? To know that this person sitting across from you, who you only see an hour a week, is safe? That they care? I am divulging things that I don't usually tell people. She knows something about me that I have only told to 5 other people in my life, something that I can't even verbalize.
I'm not mad at you, SC. If you feel the anger and frustration it's not at you. It's from many different things. I just need help, and I'm not getting what I need. I don't even know how to define that need. Words like support, reassurance, and connection are vague in this case.
My T has been able to figure out what I need before...many times. I just hope she can do it again. I'm sure she would be willing to do "it" if we could just figure out what "it" actually is.
