I'm 19 and in the past year I've lost 2 people. First my greatgrandmother and next my cousins grandma. The latest death had the biggest impact on me ever. When I heard the news about her passing I lost it. I cried for HOURS, didn't talk to anyone, ended up vomiting, and had the biggest headache anyone could ever imagine. After the day she died, I couldn't cry anymore. I think it was mainly because I was in shock, actually I still am right now. When I go to her house to see my other relatives I always feel like she's going to open the door and have a conversation with me like she always did. She was the only one who ever made me feel like I could talk to her without feeling that she didn't care or judged me. She knew me since the day I was born, she was like my own grandma. Now the thing is, she passed away about 7 months ago and I'm still not able to accept that she's gone. Sometimes I still think of her a lot and just cry to myself. I go to therapy but my therapist doesnt know how much it affects me because in sessions when we talk about her I try my hardest to keep quiet so I dont end up crying in front of the therapist because I'm afraid to. Also, I have such bad guilt because I wasn't able to be there for her when she needed me in the hospital because I'm so afraid of needles and hospitals (severe phobia). But I know that she would have understood that. Another thing is that I feel like I should not be this upset because technically she wasn't my grandma but I still feel horrible.

I want to tell my therapist this but again I'm afraid to cry. She said I could email her anytime but honestly I feel like ill just end up bothering her and taking her time.

So sorry for the long read but I really needed someone to help me out.

Thank you so much.