I feel guilty.

I thought everyone around me has just been real nice.

But nope, they've been walking on egg shells since my last hospitalization.

I want to be a really good person. I don't want to be an a-hole because of this disease. I know I am irritable and quick to fury --I'm working on it...but I don't want people to think that I am hard to deal with.

Perhaps some time, therapy, and medication will help? I just don't want people to be afraid of my mood swings or be avoiding conversation with me. Perhaps I can practice mindfulness more and be quiet. They say I like to steer the attention toward myself.

Anyone relate?

Every day I wake up I realize how crazy I really am as the medicine and coping does it job. But how crazy am I? I'm not psychotic but how selfish have I been? How moody have I been? How manic have I been? Where is the reality of my mental state?

Things are confusing...

-RM