I started being hospitalized in my teens so it wasn't exactly voluntary. I wasn't committed but really my mom signed me in. The very first time was because I cut myself (scratched really) on my wrist. I ended up at the crisis center and got admitted for suicidal ideation.

I was in and out of hospitals, voluntary and not, until I was 19. Generally when I decided to go I was just work out and needed a break from life. I was also suicidal but it was controllable. I just didn't want to deal with it. Then I got my **** together and stayed out for six years.

Flash forward to now. I am married with a son and a teaching career. I have been hospitalized six times in three years. All voluntary, but I've only sought it myself a couple of times. I know it's time to go to the hospital when the images of suicide are so clear and strong that I don't know if I can stop myself. I don't go when I am simply depressed, no matter how horrific it is. But when I feel out of control, I seek help. I have just told my employer that I am sick and need to be hospitalized. They have been very understanding.

The hospital might be a good move for you because you don't have a pdoc right now. They can tweak your meds and give you a pdoc referral or hook you up with an IOP or PHP. Although, that might be an option if you don't want to go full inpatient. You can try to find an intensive outpatient or partial hospital program. A PHP would be an all day thing, like 9-3, every day of the week. You'd see a pdoc and therapist weekly and spend time in group therapy during the day, but you could still go home.

I hope you find something to help you soon.