At the hospital, I was dx with Bipolar I Depression Type No Psychosis. When I was talking to some people there about it, they were like "ohh you got the bad type". Then the doctor said I need to take my medicine because my life is in danger because I'm so suicidal. I'm also a very paranoid person and that's why they increased my dose of the Invega Sustena from 117mg to 156mg. I get it on the 24th. I also get a psychiatrist instead of a NP on the 24th as well. I'm part of a program called ACT where a caseworker will come see me 2 or 3 times a week. They're supposed to help me with suicidal thoughts and help me get where I want to go in life. I'm going to attend these classes from 9am-4pm three days next week called WRAP to identify my triggers. I really do hope I will able to get well. I hope to finish college without withdrawing. I want to become an RN in the behavioral hospital where I can tell others about my story and how I managed to get through it. Right now, I have moments where I feel like I can never make it. It makes me have sinking feeling in my chest. I wish these feelings would stop. At least they're not so bad like they used to be, but it still sucks. When I'm alone I tend to think the worse. Visiting with my family makes it worse because they create more stress. Recently, they said something about my money running out because I wasted $10,000 on college where I dropped out and never got a refund. They tell me to buy a house because I'm wasting money on an apartment. Honestly, I'm not ready for a house. I'm only 19. If my parents were still alive and well, I would still be with them. I always think about how my life would be so much better if they were still alive. But things happen for a reason. I probably would never met my boyfriend. I noticed that after my dad passed away, I changed a lot. I've became paranoid and less motivated. Every time it see an elderly person, I think of my dad and how I took care of him when he was sick with Alzheimer's. It makes me sad to see older people especially if they're sick. I used to feel the same with people with cancer because my mom passed away with cancer when I was 9 years old. I still have dreams of her being alive like last night. Those dreams are the best. The caseworker noticed when I tell my life story how emotionally numb I am. How expressionless I am. It's scary to think of how emotionally numb I am. I think it's how I coped with life always surrounded by death. Another thing I noticed is that ever since I got help for my emotional health, I don't focus on my physical health. I wasn't worried. It was almost like I hoped I had a serious illness because I wanted to die. It's embarrassing to say how I wanted to die because it's hard for others to understand. I'm glad that I'm not obsessing over my health. I still have a lot of healing though.
I'm sorry for rambling by the way.

I just don't understand how Bipolar 1 is 'bad'. Is it the stigma?