sparkely88 Hello and welcome to PC. I am sorry to hear about your feelings of suffering alone. I think it is time to be honest and seek some help for yourself. There is no shame in what you are experiencing. PTSD is very difficult to manage all alone with your thoughts and fears. I am a spiritual person as well so I share your thoughts about going somewhere amazing one day. Please don't act on any impulsive feelings as they change. If you feel like you might hurt yourself please seek help from someone you trust. I would think your BF would understand and want to help. This is what love is all about. You don't need to be alone with these empty and sad feelings. I hope that you reach out at home and also here when you want. Please let someone know about your feelings and maybe a therapist can help as well. I wish you all the best and please be safe.