Quote:
Originally Posted by ladisputelover
I've been feeling like this for as long as I can remember. Way back when I was Ia little girl. It isn't exactly a constant feeling but it happens incredibly often that it might as well be. I have an appt to see a new pdoc tomorrow as well. I'm extremely scared to talk about it because I'm terrified she won't believe me. Sometimes, I feel like my body is just a puppet and my mind is controlled by another being. At times, my "self" is sucked out of my body and I will be able to see what my body is doing from a distance. I recently learned this was dissociating. I'm not always fully "present" i have periods of dissociating where when I come to, I have a vague memory of me doing what I had just done thought I know I had no control over it. Ex: a few weeks ago I had horrible nightmares of a trauma from my childhood and when I woke up, I wasn't fully "there". I watched myself self harm though I had no control to stop it (I really didn't want to as I hadn't self harmed in two years). I have tried Celexa but it didn't help my depression. I will tell my pdoc about all of what I talked about tomorrow though even though I'm scared. Honestly, I have a lot to talk about. My old pdoc diagnosed me with Depression, Anxiety Disorder, OCD, and Bipolar NOS Disorder. I also suffer from auditory, visual, and tactile hallucinations along with all of this I just described.
Thanks for listening. 😕
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I can't even imagine how terrifying the hallucinations must be. So sorry to hear that [emoji17] I too have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, ocd and manic depression/bipolar also ptsd. I understand how you feel as far as the dissociation goes. How are we supposed to feel motivated in life & function "normally" when we're constantly overwhelmed by the feeling that none of it is even real?! Crazy you've felt this way your whole life but Im sure you always felt like you weren't "normal." right? I always felt different my whole life & I would wonder if there was something wrong with me or if everyone feels that way & they just accept it or don't think about it, because I know for a fact I overthink the h3ll out of EVERYTHING!!! It's so stressful & depressing. Every single day when it starts to get dark I begin to panic! I have full blown panic attacks which my klonopin no longer does $hit for! Im just terrified of time passing by because it flies by so fast especially since Im dissociated with reality. I just have this phobia of getting old & looking back with regret & saying "where the hell was I my whole life??" I started seeing therapists when I was 7 & I didn't understand why. Looking back now I can remember all the symptoms I had... The most obvious were the "ticks" I felt compelled to repeatedly twitch certain parts of my body over & over unfortunately all being parts on my face so of course all my classmates asked me why I kept doing that. I just kept silent. My parents explained to me that they were just "habits" & now I realize it was OCD. Im pretty much positive the majority of my current anxiety/panic, dissosiation & ocd is due to my Adderall addiction [emoji17] 4 years ago I got a perscription to help me get through school while working full time & literally before I could even begin to worry about the possibility of addition or side effects it was too late & I wae & still am 4 years later 100% physically dependent on this drug. If I dont take it in the morning I am literally on bed rest & incapable of accomplishing anything at all even showering!!! But when I do take it I have to force myself to eat, i have constant cotton mouth, im up till 3am every single night just reading & reading about my mental health disorders. Adderall used to make me feel peppy, motivated, productive, energetic, social, outgoing & really just overall "on top of the world." In order to achieve that same "high" now I have to take 3X my dosage (30mg) which is above the "safe" prescribed amount so of course I resort to buying my friend's extras for hella expensive. Adderall has ruined my life. I hate what it does to me, & yet I can't live without it! [emoji20] [emoji21] [emoji37]
-StUcKiNaRuT