So Im pretty much positive the majority of my current anxiety, panic attacks, dissosiation & ocd is due to my Adderall addiction. 4 years ago I got a perscription to help me get through school while working full time & literally before I could even begin to worry about the possibility of addition or side effects it was too late & I was & still am 4 years later 100% physically dependent on this drug. If I dont take it in the morning I am literally on bed rest & incapable of accomplishing anything at all-even showering!!! & I just binge on junk food in bed all day-its disgusting! But when I do take it I have to force myself to eat, constantly cotton mouthed, Im up till 3am every single night just reading & reading about my mental health disorders. Adderall used to make me feel peppy, motivated, productive, energetic, social, outgoing & really just overall "on top of the world." In order to achieve that same "high" now I have to take 3X my dosage (30mg) which is above the "safe" prescribed amount so of course I resort to buying my friend's extras for hella expensive. I literally can never sit still without feeling "useless & unproductive" I panic about time going by too fast every day because I lose track of time cleaning & organizing the tiniest details that don't even matter! Adderall has ruined my life! My boyfriend hates how I am on adderall. I overthink EVERYTHING, he can't even stand to go grocery shopping with me because I'm so cracked out that I feel the need to check every single shelf of every single aisle & buy a million things I don't need & just blow off the actual neccessities. I pick my cuticles til they bleed-it keeps me up all night! I have new phobias like closing my eyes in the shower, going anywhere alone, driving. My pupils are constantly dialated & my fingers are always twitching. I honestly feel like a full blown tweaker!!! I HATE adderall! I hate what it does to me! & yet I can't stop taking it every morning!!! I feel so hopeless. I never thought I'd be an "addict" just the word freaks me out. Im also in denial because I honestly believe that there's no way I could ever function without this drug. I have an extremely addictive personality & it has gotten the best of me. Not only am I miserable but Im terrified what it's doing to my body. I know what I have to do, I just can't do it.
-Hopeless [emoji17] [emoji174]